waiting- the foster process

a year ago I was preparing to move into a home I fell in love with. one of the things I loved was the 3 bedrooms, 2 more than I needed. that was the start of my path to fostering, simple but true- I had the space.

through my job that I love, I work with families of children birth to 3 years old. because of the nature of our work (Early Intervention), we deal with a LOT of children's services cases. this means there's an open case plan either because the child was abused, neglected, born exposed to drugs, the parents can no longer take care of them, or a handful of other situations. I came into contact with quite a few discouraging foster parents- people who smoke in front of their kids, don't provide for their development, & bad mouth the primary parents. but more often then those situations were the inspiring foster parents- who love what they do, see the real need for caring, healing homes, and answered the call. a specific meeting with a foster mom who encouraged me made me decide to sign up for the classes. I had the passion.

the final decision was time. I am a super busy person- it's what drives me & I thrive having lots to do. this meant taking the classes wouldn't fit into my schedule for several more months, & I would have to shift my focus from other areas I was volunteering in. finally the timing was right- so I started pre-service foster/ adoptive parenting classes in June 2016.

the classes are 36 hours through my local Children's Services agency. they're free, & usually take 6 weeks to complete with two 3 hour classes a week. I had to start them in the summer & finished them the week before my 26th birthday. after the classes, you get a background check (the agency covers the cost). you fill out a lot of paperwork (which I oddly like doing). then a home study case worker is assigned to you, & the visits start. there's an initial home visit with more paperwork & a safety inspection. you have to have multiple references, both personal & work, fill out paperwork and submit it. I had a medical exam over the summer & then had to get a TB test. they ask you to list back-up babysitters, & then these people have to have a background check completed as well. they are the only people you can leave your child with (besides your approved daycare). because I work full-time, daycare is paid for through the county- I had to find a daycare, toured it, & put myself on the waiting list. I will be taking only one child, under the age of 6 months. then there's a second home visit- a thorough personal interview about my relationships, social history, how I was raised, my family life, etc. the last step is the fire inspection which I'm working on getting scheduled this week, then all my paperwork is submitted to approve my license.

in the meantime during this process, I have had a wonderful friend offer to post needs I had on her Facebook mom's group. they have blessed me so much! you are required to have everything set up by the time of the final home inspection, and I'm OCD, so it's been set up for over a month now :)

this process has felt like forever, but I'm trying to be patient through the last few steps & prepare for my life to change. I'm so grateful to have a huge support system of family & friends, & especially thankful to have God & His word guiding me through it all. a really striking statistic to me is if just one family in every three churches in America would become a foster family, we wouldn't have children waiting for homes. I can't wait to be a part of this system & do what I can to get children back to their homes safely.

my life as told by 'Bridesmaids'

because it's one of my favorite movies and because why not? you're welcome :)

when I get support from my besties:

when people talk about "big boob problems":

being a home owner & still wanting stuff:

 when people introduce me to friends who "remind them of me":

when people reveal their imperfections :)

 the after effects of dating only jerks:

listening to my coworkers complain about how fat they are after eating

any kind of food, ever.

hoping your future husband fits in with the weirdos you love the most:

thanks stomach:

client's names at work:

so proud of my family & friends:

 every. single. social. setting:

 and no tolerance for people's complaints:

EVERYDAY ALL DAY:

on being single

I think this post is probably starting the way most people's do- a million thoughts in my head, sitting in front of a blank screen not knowing exactly how to start. Band-Aid style, let's rip it off quickly and go.

I am 25. I am a proud cat momma. I have a college degree. I have a job I love going to everyday. my family is close and wonderful. my friendships are so fulfilling. I enjoy volunteering with my church. I lead a ladies Bible study. I just bought a house! I enjoy running and baking cookies, and wish they could be simultaneous events. and I am single.

literally what feels like the most defining part of me most days is that final, tiny piece of my life- my relationship status. this post is not an advice column for "What Every Single Person Should Do", nor is it a complaint of WHY ME?! instead, it's a musing on the stages of being single as observed by me. disclaimer- I'm a lady, so I can only speak from the lady experience. in addition, I'm a Christ follower, so I can't speak to the nature of the "hook-up culture" style of being single.




the Stages of Singlehood (*as experienced by me and maybe no one else but that's okay)

1. freedom!

ahhh. like taking off your bra the moment you get home, or sliding into bed every night. it feels so refreshing after needing to put your "best face forward" for so long in a relationship, to just be you. be every cliche in the book about being young, wild, and free. except my wild was more of the "watch Netflix till you almost die and eat a lot of ice cream" sort.

2. rebound

why am I single? I love dating. I loved being a girlfriend. I will be anyone's girlfriend. you there, homeless man! I will date you. you don't want to date? why? oh I'M needy? okay. fair. but seriously, don't just date to date. heal.

3. self reflection

perhaps the longest of any stage, and for good reason. I have never learned more about myself than I have in these past 4 years, nor did I ever think I would be so interesting! people around me would say how "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" and they were right. I learned not only what ticks me off, but also how to realize realistic expectations- for myself and others. one of the things I love learning the most is doing chores while living alone. if I don't do it, no one does.

4. getting back into "the scene"

ha. ha ha. my experience with this stage is people watching at bars while going out with friends. I know it's possible, but I just don't see Jesus having me meet my future spouse while having beers spilled on your feet and an old man touching your butt. congratulations if that is your "how we met" story! I would love to hear that.

5. happiness- but not contentedness

which leads me to where I seem to have ended up. as a Christian, I can't help but feel the "pressure" of being single. I am constantly told the following by well-meaning (Christian) family and friends-
"how are YOU still single?"
"enjoy this time while you can!"
"God has His own timing"
"I know a recently single guy!"
"have you tried online dating?"
"are you seeing anyone yet?"
"Gage needs cousins!" (true).

I've been prayed over by women who want the best for me and know my heart longs for a godly relationship. I've learned to spend my time serving others to focus my energy on something outside of myself. I try to enjoy every evening of "me time" while it lasts. I even do crazy things like signing up for foster parent training & wearing leggings as pants because I can. I am happy with everything God has given to me- but I'm longing for contentedness. I'm also a little scared. mostly that my friends are all in this stage of life without me- engagements, weddings, pregnancies- and I don't want to be left behind. the beautiful part of this is all the intelligent, gorgeous, godly women God has brought into my life this past year who are also single.

this, to me, is the ultimate stage because I'm finally seeing that it's not about what I can do- not about me going out and meeting guys, not about my friend who has a friend who was also single until she was 29 and 3/4 years old and then bam marriage, and not about my wild and crazy freedom- it's about surrendering in all things so I can let God do His thing.



which is way harder than it sounds.

a wild shower

it feels like a year ago we were throwing this shower for my best friend Courtney...her bridal shower in August 2012.

then just a few months later (but actually almost 2 years later) another bridal shower, this time for my other best friend Arielle.

fast forward almost a year later to Valentine's Day 2015- being shown an ultrasound picture and me bursting into tears because the baby Tyler and Courtney had wanted and prayed for was a reality! as the first of my closest friends to have a baby, it has been such a joy and blessing to her about the bad times (and experience them by not being able to eat pizza around Courtney for a few months) and the good times (going from feeling Gage kicking to being able to WATCH him roll around her belly these past few weeks).

as much as they prayed for a healthy baby, I knew they really wanted a boy- so I was thrilled when they announced the gender to our friend group. a little too thrilled, as I cut this video short by accident.

the outfit I bought for them to open if it was a boy :)

there are so many people who love Courtney and Tyler, so we had a lot of minds working on ideas and hands creating this great shower! without further ado, here's some of my favorite pictures of Gage's "Where the Wild Things Are" shower.

Tami, Courtney's brother's wife/sister-in-law, made this cute outfit garland! including some personalized onesies for Gage.

Lisa, Courtney's mother-in-law, is a wizard with some nature and decorating simply but gorgeously.

the food table- Mary & Lisa did a great job coordinating all the food, especially the cute watermelon boat Mary made!

looking at this beautiful cake makes me giggle, because it was a Pinterest find that Tyler sister/Courtney's sister-in-law Lacey worked for a long time on and then the first attempt literally fell over inside the fridge. cake and frosting everywhere. it was so frustrating for her but all she could do was laugh! we ate cake as we decorated and they managed to make and decorate a new cake by the time of the shower and it all turned out great. delicious chocolate cake with buttercream and salted caramel frosting.

crown cookies baked by Arielle, decorated by me ;)

the proud grandmas, Mary & Lisa! featuring the great banner Courtney's sister-in-law Meggan made.

ladies on Tyler's side of the family

opening her many wonderful gifts for Gage!

ladies on Courtney's side of the family

Uncle Tyler- the soon to be dad1

Aunt Arielle & Aunt Lexi love you Gage!

I can't wait for this little boy to make his appearance any day now. I know he will have a lot of aunts and uncles in his life who love him, and I'm so grateful I get to be one even if it's not "blood" ;) 

a {tiny} home tour

I love looking at people's home tours on blogs. I find them on Pinterest, by way of other people's blogs, or wherever. these are some of my favorites- San Francisco styling  ; Florida sunshine ; & a Chicago apartment.

as I'm in the process of looking for a home to buy (ahhhh!), I wanted to remember & appreciate my apartment for what it is- a homey, simple, & beautiful place I love calling my own and filling with things that make me happy.

one of my favorite things- an old desk my brother abandoned after college works out perfectly as a coffee bar with storage space for mugs and room for all the important beverages. in winter nights, I keep the twinkly lights on & turn off most all other lights. makes for the coziest setting.

my small kitchen table covered with the contents of my first Downtown Toledo Farmer's Market trip. love these colors! I honestly only use my kitchen table when I have people over, a downside of my limited dining space. 

my gallery corner. it's changed from time to time whether it's a chair or this desk there. I love having my memories in one spot rather than scattered around the room. the frames add just enough color to my living room without being overwhelming. I've loved having my grandma's school desk in my apartment, & Chloe loves curling up behind it.

my bedroom is probably the 2nd least decorated room in my apartment, after my office/ catch-all room, but it's soothing & I like it. I kept my bouquet from my best friend's wedding and it's (faded but still) purple ties in with my bedding, which is both purple & gray. my only complaint about this room is the window being so high up. but I am lucky to have a good sized bedroom in an apartment.

 my major problem with jewelry, scarves & purses is I have SO many- I forget to wear/ use them. I solved this problem for my necklaces by hanging a curtain rod on the wall by my bedroom door, so they're displayed.

  

I didn't have a closet in my last 2 residences, so I got this cheap hanging rack from Ikea. now, it's a lifesaver as I plan my outfits a week ahead of time. it makes it much easier to get up at 6:30 in the morning when I know my clothes are all laid out & ready for me to just grab & go. I look at the forecast for the week ahead & go from there. may seem a bit too much, but organization makes my life way easier.

& my favorite- my living room. I spend most of my time out here. I love having people over, & am always trying to add to my seating so I can have more spaces for people. while I parted ways badly from my previous roommate, she left me with the beautiful gift of transforming my hand-me-down dresser (once white- then black) into a brilliant red that ties my whole room together. I love you chalk paint. 

& that's basically it. aside from my not-worthy-of-photographing office, bathroom & copious amounts of closets, that's my home. I love living here, I love being able to walk to downtown Perrysburg in 2 minutes, & I love the safety I feel here. but I'm definitely excited to find a house & make it into my home.

dear introverts & extroverts- an open letter from an ambivert

I've been seeing a lot of blog posts, Buzzfeed articles and other links flooding Facebook about "99 Thing Only Introverts Understand" and "Why I Hate Loud People" and the like (jk NO ONE could ever hate loud people). don't get me wrong, I love reading these things because parts of me can identify with introverted people- I need my alone time, I don't like loud places, etc. but when I went to look up the same type of articles about extroverts, I didn't find as many or as interesting of results. I also continue to see a lot of talk about the newest personality type, the Ambivert. I am completely convinced this is real, and it is me.

the definition of ambivert- a person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features.


7 things I want you to know about being both quiet and loud.

1. I love talking. obviously. but I also love YOU talking! I'm a great listener and truly enjoy hearing about other people's lives. I hate the stereotype that because I talk a lot I can't listen well.

2. silence is also golden to me. my job involves me talking- a lot- all day, to coworkers, clients, providers, babies, etc. even though I LOVE talking- I enjoy the quiet when I'm finally home.

3. silence among friends awkward. there's a difference between a long car ride that can be filled with periods of silence, and sitting with a group of 5 people who aren't talking wondering who will break the silence (oh wait that's me).

here is a graph of how I spend my time during these silences-

4. I am not afraid to go to an event alone, or go out to eat or to the movies alone. but I also would prefer to do those things with people.

5. being around people fills me up. being around my cat also fills me up. having a game night fills me up. have a Netflix night also fills me up.

6. I resent the way I've always been told I need to marry someone just like my dad (love you though)- someone quiet who will let me just talk and talk. I want an equal- who keeps up with my conversations!

7. be who you are- intro, extro or ambi. I think God blessed me by being quietly loud. I am gifted with new friendships all the same who are the exact opposite of me- quiet, seeing the other side of situations, forgiving, and gentle- and I am aware of the characteristics about them I want to strive more towards. but I'll never regret being opinionated or loving to talk- because I'm glad God gave me the gift of conversations :)

how to love

feel free to play this in the background as you read. or don't. I know it's Lil' Wayne but it's the "clean" version. and surprisingly this song is one of the reasons this post has been in my mind forever.


music as you read


I started attending a young adult group at CedarCreek about five months ago. it was the kick I needed to stop living with just my head knowledge of God and my faith and start really living it out again. I started out feeling jealous of others in the group who have had a crisis that drew them to God and allowed them to have this "wow" moment where God showed up in their life. I've been a Christian since I was 5 years old- there hasn't been a "wow", in my mind, at any time in those years.

God shows up in big ways when you let Him.

my "wow" is not one big event. it's been a series of reminders and lessons that keep flooding in since I started actively pursuing God again. it's seeing other people go through the EXACT situations I've been through and being able to be there and encourage them (hopefully) and love on them. it's realizing my OCD- type A self had to let go of my "plan" and be open to God's perfect one.

the biggest lesson I'm learning is how to love. so thanks Lil' Wayne for some help with this.

you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever.

the first time someone told me they loved me, romantically, I was 14 years old. I felt my heart literally fill everytime I heard those precious words. I was important, someone's, loved. I also felt the horrific crush of your feelings when that "love" was ripped away from me. I now see how messed up that situation was- I see my 15 and 16 year-old brothers and am so grateful they haven't experienced that yet and I pray my 11 year-old sister continues to stay away from boys :)

after that first failed relationshp, I quickly gave my "love" to everyone who wanted it. I was always the first to say those words, which makes me shudder now as I never understood their weight- I'm still working on that even now.

you had a lot of crooks try and steal your heart, never really had love couldn't ever figure out-

by that time the only love I felt was from men. I know my parents love me and always have, but I was too stubborn to feel it as I had hurt them and pulled away too many times. I had friends but our friendships were always up and down, and sometimes only existed out of convenience. the only time I ever felt loved was when a guy told me those words- their opinion was the only one that mattered.

by the time my last relationship ended I was thoroughly devastated. nothing prepares you for the emptiness you feel when someone who was a part of your life for 3 years severs your ties in one fell swoop (I've felt similar pain about friendships as you know from this post).

almost 3 years later and I was finally happy- but not fulfilled. I still felt alone. I still craved being around my friends because the emptiness went away with laughter. when I look back on all those feelings of loneliness and sadness, I see so clearly how God needed me to be empty so I can be filled.

I can still remember being 14 years old, telling my parents "he told me he doesn't love me anymore", and being told "if he could stop loving you like that, he never loved you". brutal for my teenaged self- but true. at 24 I'm still learning everyday, but I know now it wasn't love. I've never been loved like God means for me to be. rather than feeling crushed by that, it excites me knowing how much love He has in store for me- first His, to fill and complete the emptiness I've always had, then the added blessing of the husband He's working in and on the same way He's working in me right now.

that's my "wow".

how to love