will I foster again?

Brooklyn being adorable and sleeping past 7AM for once.

I loved getting to read the responses of how fostering has impacted those closest to me. I asked them for both negatives and positives, and I received both negatives and positives! Much of what they sent me I already knew because it's been shared in our relationships, but I wanted people to consider how the support of someone's foster village can make or break their ability to take in children from the foster care system.

I asked for their opinions for a two-fold reason, however. I wanted to gauge how they felt about fostering because personally, I'm torn down the middle every day on how I feel. I watch how much Brooklyn loves babies and is so nurturing and I want to open my home up. I see the extra bedroom I have, multitude of baby supplies sitting in my shed and closets being unused, and I want to hear the phone ring with a placement call again. I know I am a loving parent and provide a nurturing home to babies, and I have more love to give.

But I also struggle with bedtime most nights and not having any time to myself- with only ONE child- and I think "no". I picture drop-off and pick-up at 2 different daycares each day in addition to my rigid work hours now, and sigh heavily. I worry that my wonderful daughter would suffer from sharing her only parent. Mostly, I can't imagine people saying "yes" to taking a 2 year-old as well as an infant to babysit, when it's hard enough to get babysitters now for just one- which is something in the back of my mind always.

Can I go to this new class at my church? No, who would babysit, it's on a weekend. Can I find a therapist to start seeing? When would I have time, there's not enough hours in the day. Will I be trained enough for the duathlon I'm doing in July? Who knows, I can't get out biking alone to test myself. And I think all of this with the catch-22 guilt that plagues me no matter how hard I try to avoid it- even if I had a sitter for these things, I'll be taking time away from being with my daughter when I'm already away from her more than I'd like during the week.

All this to say- I would love to foster again. I have until November of 2020 to foster again- if I don't accept a placement by then, my license will be revoked. But for me to foster again, I would need-

Help
Meals
Honesty
Strength
Patience
Flexibility

And another crib...probably.

the impact of fostering

May is Foster Care Awareness month. I wanted to do something more this year than just post a picture or encourage people to foster- I wanted people to know about the impact of fostering on those around you. Not the one who decides to foster, but the ones who support that foster parent. I asked my family and friends to share and good and the bad that came along with my decision to become a foster parent back in 2016. As a disclaimer, I may have edited some people's responses down (ahhem Mom), and not everyone I asked responded which is okay too! I value the opinions of these people who love me and made it possible for me to start my family this way.

M O M
When you first mentioned going to some foster parenting classes, I figured this would be another thing you would look into for a while, and then move on to the next interest. At the same time I had my first year of recovery in which I'd done an intensive study going through the steps and principles, and was in a continuing process of dealing with whatever God brought up, which wasn't easy or pleasant all the time.  And three teens and their issues.

All that to say that I did not start taking it seriously until you were getting much closer to being done with the classes.

I think I had an expectation that as part of these classes, the prospective parents would have a learning opportunity to bring family members for at least an informational session on what families might expect.  It astounds me that they don't do this, but after getting more involved in the system, it doesn't surprise me, as I don't think it is a well-thought-out program.  

With Drea I was eager to help with her care and nurturing. 

Drea leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face.  It was harder because of trying to keep it together for the kids' sake, and helping them deal with the loss.  It was very traumatic for our family.  We had a lot of talks, evenings sitting around crying and talking about it, that went on beyond when Brooklyn was born.

At this point the only experience we had had with LCCS was the initial fingerprinting, and then standing in the lobby handing over Drea like she was an object that had been sold online, only the new owner wasn't there to take her.  That was the most impersonal, insensitive, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking thing, to know that the system cares so little for the emotional well-being of not only the children, but also the foster parents and their support systems, that they cannot come up with a more humane way of doing this.  I am convinced a stray dog would have gotten more compassionate treatment.

The month with no baby was like having pleurisy.  I felt like we should be able to breath easy, but the thought of getting and losing another baby was almost more than I could handle, and I found myself catching my breath and guarding all the time.  I think this is because we were not in any of this with a fully-schooled knowledge of what to expect.  I guess I should talk just for myself here.  I am an all-in person.  When you say you are going to have babies in your home to care for, I am not able to hold back the affection they need.  Even though they are someone else's babies, they become family the minute you take charge of them.  So I will treat them like family.  I have no caution setting.

When you called me to come over and stay with Brooklyn that first night, part of me wanted to scream, "No!  I can't do this again!"  But you can't say that when there is a baby that needs care.  I tried to hold back from getting too attached.  It didn't work.  I just held in the worry that this child might get taken away, too, and tried not to let it affect the way I treated her, even though I was mourning Drea for a long time.

A big difference with Bee was interacting with her birth mom.  That added a whole extra component, one that again I was not prepared for.  I should not have had to ask you what I was allowed to say and do.  As a qualified emergency caregiver, LCCS should have offered training to know how to interact in situations involving visitation and what kind of information to give and withhold.  

Also as a support person, not knowing the timing on how things go or the procedures that have to be followed, it is very nerve-wracking to go through all the hurry up and wait that happened between when mom's visitations ended and the adoption was final.  Knowledge of how things work can help people deal with the time it takes.  I felt like again that there is no thought given to the huge amount of support that a foster parent needs to be able to effectively care for these kids.

So these have all been more the situational things.  How I felt much of the time in the beginning was that I was expected to do the things you wanted done the way you wanted them done, and I was to ignore the mothering instincts that I have had for many years.  I gave it a try, but I have to be true to who I am, so I would jot down the things you wanted recorded, but I couldn't let statistics overwhelm me.  I am not about goal sheets and doing everything according to a strict plan, so that is not how my mind or heart were oriented, especially in those first 5 weeks with each of the girls.  I am a much more intuitive person, and I have to go with my gut and my heart, so I felt like that caused stress and frustration, that I was not willing to fit into a mold.  If I had that to do over, I probably would have been more outspoken about it.  Unless there is a medical need to know all the possible stats, I'm not inclined to keep records like that again.  The demeanor of the baby tells me more than the numbers.  

So my advice to family of fosters would be to insist on being in the loop, on going to the classes or whatever you can do to educate yourself on what to expect. Then learn how to be willing and able to set good boundaries so you don't get burned out.  That's something I've been studying and working on for months, and it has helped me take better care of myself and my own time needs, and that has been mainly after the adoption, but I wish I had worked on it long ago.

Despite what you may think from my honest feedback (Lexi's note- much of which I redacted :)) I am very proud of you for taking on being a foster parent.  I'm sure it was harder than you thought it would be, and that even though you had all those classes, they still didn't prepare you for the realities of being a single parent who needs to rely on her family more than she had for years!  That has been an humbling process for you, and I think a good one.  You are the mom Brooklyn deserves to have, the one who has loved her from the beginning, and if you never have another foster baby in your home, raising her will be a huge accomplishment and a worthwhile way to spend the next decades of your life.  You are blessed to have her and she is blessed to have you, and that shows that God is all over this. 

I love you more than you can ever know, but you may be starting to get an idea.

A R I E L L E
I remember when you first told me that you were going to foster, and I wasn’t surprised at all. You’ve always felt called to be a mom, and it was great to hear that you were going to be able to put all that love to a child very much in need of it.

In the beginning I didn’t think your deciding to foster would have any impact on my family, besides having a new addition to the friends group, and supporting you in your new role. But right off the bat there was an issue that did affect our relationship a little. Matthew, being extremely conservative and wary of government, did not want to be finger printed. I had no problem, having done it multiple times, but he did not. After talking with him, I had to support him in this and try to explain to you why he was not willing. I would say this was the only negative in the whole experience, especially being as you didn’t understand or agree with his decision. I think it was also hard because he goes with the flow and does not make waves, so the idea that he was not willing to do this and help you didn’t make sense. But to him it was something very important to who he is and was not willing to budge, which I commend him on even if it wasn’t convenient or something I fully grasped. When Drea came, I felt bad because I in no way had the same reaction to her as I did when Gage was born. And then she was gone. So when Brooklyn came, I felt even more stand-offish because she was going to leave too. But it’s not surprising with her personality that she wins you over. The amount of love I feel for her is like a 180 from when she first came into our lives. I was so happy that I got to be there for her official adoption.

And I want her to grow up knowing that I will always be there for her, and she can count on Aunt Arielle as someone who will support her.

IS THAT GOOD?!? (Lexi's note- I left this in because it's so Arielle :))

C O U R T N E Y
When Lexi first mentioned that she was thinking about taking classes to foster, I was so excited for her and the kids she would be helping. I knew how great she was with kids from watching her with her siblings and my son. I was also so thankful she let me be a part of the process as well and let me serve and help her in whatever capacity she needed of me.

I love kids and they hold a special place in my heart, so when Drea arrived I loved her immediately. When I learned that it was decided to place Drea in a different home with her brother, I was understandably sad but at the same time thankful that she was going to be with her brother. I knew that that would have a big impact for her life and just prayed that the love she was shown and the prayers we all had for her during those few short months would be felt in the next part of her life.

Then Brooklyn came not that much later and I couldn't help but laugh when I heard the news because as much as Lexi said she was going to take a break in between kids, I knew that probably wouldn't last long :) It has been so wonderful getting to know and love Brook for even longer and watching her grow up with Gage. I can't even describe the joy felt when she finally was legally adopted and we knew we would get to love her in person for the rest if her life.

The one part of this process that I wasn't really expecting was the emotions that came with learning more about the girls' bio moms. Not so much with Drea's mom (not that I didn't care about her life, but I think the choices she made that had put her kids in this situation tainted my feelings toward her). With Brook's mom, I definitely cried on multiple occasions because I was wrestling with God on why he allows stuff like this to happen (not just specifically with Brook's mom but with all people dealing with delays and mental illness). The disabilities she dealt with was not asked for and really nothing she could control and because of that she would never get to fully experience being a mom and get to know how wonderful Brook is. That's still something that hurts and I think about to this day. Obviously, I want what's best for Brook and that was being adopted by Lexi and having a mother that could fully love her and care for her. But wanting what's best for kids in the system and wanting a better for life for mothers that deal with these disabilities is something that coincides within me now and I don't know what the best answer is to help.

N E V I N
Negative ways I’ve been impacted:

• My heart hurts to know that so many people have kids and have no way to take care of them. The idea of being born to a family that doesn’t or can’t care for me is a completely alien concept.

Positive:

• I’ve now gotten to have a foster niece and now an adopted niece
• I’ve gotten the chance to see someone I love grow up from birth to a few years old now, something I haven’t gotten to be a part of since Martha was born and something I won’t get to see until I have more nieces/nephews or have kids of my own
• I have a lot more compassion for people and a better understanding of people from other cultures or backgrounds
• I’m far more likely to foster or adopt in my future

J A C L Y N

• I remember the day you told me you wanted to foster. It was actually the first time we got together after our "break up." I was so excited you were back in my life, but I remember feeling crushed by the news because I THOUGHT that meant you wouldn't have room for me in your life. I think I just missed you so much and was looking forward to doing all the things we used to do before our "breakup," but I quickly realized how much time had passed between those two moments. We both adapted to the changes in our lives and still made room for each other. This is something I will always be grateful and thankful for. You make my life more complete and I hope I do the same for yours!
• I don't think this is necessarily a good or bad thing-it's just how things are! Our visits and time together are very different than college. Instead of drinking alcohol, we drink coffee. Instead of late date nights in the back room of cracker barrel, we have early dinners at your house. Instead of talking about boy drama, we talk about corporate work life drama. And in my opinion, most of these things are the way they are because of Brooklyn. Her schedule and creating convenience around that is what's most important. Things may be different, but in no way do I feel like our time together is less valuable (the back room at cracker barrel was gross anyways-your home is much cleaner haha). 
• The biggest impact that you fostering has had on my life is how I think about parenting. I LOVE your parenting style and I think you do the best you can do. It's always with love, and patience, tenderness, but real-always so real (like you laughing at Brooklyn when she fell backwards in that video). Watching you parent Brooklyn has inspired and motivated me to be same way around my future baby. Growing up and reflecting on my childhood has given me plenty of examples of what NOT to do in parenting, but you've given me examples of what TO DO in parenting and that makes a far greater impact.

D A D
The obvious effect that your decision to foster/adopt has had on me was to bless me with a foster granddaughter and then a foster/forever granddaughter. The deeper effect has been my long held pro-life passion has been taken from the abstract and placed flesh and blood into my everyday life. I’ve always bristled at the accusation that pro-lifers only care about the baby until it emerges from the womb. I’ve known in my heart that this is a lazy, thoughtless charge as I’ve been too immersed in a large sample of people that prove otherwise. I have always felt a tugging to foster/ adopt but I’ve felt God telling me that he’s given us our own batch to deal with and I’ve felt our openness to life in embracing a larger than average family size was our way of witnessing to the world. In the back of my mind I justified this by reasoning that we would not be able to cope with the possible abuse/ drug/ any other kind of baggage background that would accompany a foster child.
My reaction when I learned of your decision to foster/ adopt?

• My prayer for your future mate changed to “God, let this decision by Lexi to foster be a giant turnoff to any loser who had romantic intentions with her and let this decision be a beacon to all truly Godly men that this young lady was a very worthwhile catch.”
• My assumption was that any or all foster children might very probably have darker skin than me and that has never been a problem as I believe that God does not separate his children by race.
• I also had a fear that there may be fetal drug/ alcohol issues to deal with, but I was pleasantly relieved to see that you were ready to deal with this.
• Finally, I was not prepared to realize the depth of love that I would feel for these children. Drea will always have a special place in my heart even though she has moved on. Brooklyn will always have her papa wrapped around her finger. My eternal thought is that I will look back on my life with one big regret. In the same way that Oskar Schindler looked at his car and calculated how many Jewish lives could have been “bought “ with that money, I will look at all my selfish excuses for not doing more for children who need a home and love.

M A R T H A 

Growing up the only thing I ever heard about adoption was babies being adopted to American families from across the world, places like China or India or anywhere other than home. Nothing about fostering. I didn’t even really know what fostering was until you started doing it and told us about it. I didn’t realize how much a part of my life it would be when you first told us you were gonna be a licensed foster parent. I didn’t understand how I would feel welcoming someone I had never met into my family- but then you realize it’s like getting to know anyone- but in a more personal level. You spend time with the kids and realize that they’re amazing and deserve so much love. Some things were hard to grasp- like understanding that any child you accept could have problems from moms addictions and other things or be taken away at any moment. That scared me and before you got Drea and Bee I didn’t think I would be so close to them- yes I’d love them but I didn’t expect to be with them so much.

But I’m very glad that I was close to Drea, with her most days- and with Bee alllllllll the time.

It’s taught me a lot of things about trust and real unconditional love.

Trusting that whoever you got would be the right little girl. Who needed you and who you needed. And us too.

And concerning love- I wanted to hold back after Drea- not get attached

But that was impossible and I’m glad that it was and is. Because it was impossible to look into Bee's eyes and not fall in love at first sight. Cuz she’s so smart and curious and funnnnny and kind.

And we all see so much of you in her. Wow

Sappy I know.

Other than that- it’s been interesting to watch you become a mom.  You’ve matured, grown, and strengthened a lot from going from Alexi to Lexi to Lala to Mama. Cuz life is tiring. But it’s worth it.

In some odd way I thought I was gonna have to trade your title as sister into only a foster mom. But you just got more titles- not substitutes- just additions.

H A N N A H  &  D A N 

I’ve gained more compassion for birth moms who are part of a cycle that is hard to get out of (also have seen a lot of it at the school I’m at now) Learned how much paperwork there is (😭) and complicated it can be depending on case workers and their ability to be on top of things. That it made me realize there is more of a need for it then I thought. It also makes me want to foster more and less. More because I see the need for more people to do it and I think that I am called to do it. Less because I am scared that some little kid I fall in love with will be taken away and go back to a worse situation then at my house. I guess I wrote what we learned more than how it impacted US but another thing is that it made my heart grow a size bigger from her laugh and love and “Aunt Hannah’s 😍😍😍😍. I’m also impacted because I have learned about diversity from you in our conversations. I’ve learned how important it is to have diversity and how the area we live in is not diverse enough!!!

you at 2

You’ve only gone 2 days in your life without a nap. You love French fries, chicken, broccoli, applesauce, blueberries, hot dogs, ketchup, rice, green beans, your morning Nutragrain bar, ice cream, pizza, carrots, cookies, and cereal.

You like to say ‘what?’ when people say things to you that you didn’t hear or don’t understand, and sometimes keep saying ‘what’ because you know it drives Mama nutty. You have your crib mattress on the ground because you mastered climbing out of it several months ago and I’m not ready for you to be in a toddler bed yet.

You sing ‘up the stairs, up the stairs, up the stairs’ to the tune of ‘Hook hook where’s the hook’ from the Robin Williams movie because I randomly sang that one day, so every trip up the stairs has musical accompaniment now. You absolutely love- Papa, Giggy, Martha, Buddy, Eli, Mary, Rick, Harrison, GAGE, Coco, TyTy, Arielle, Uncle Matt, Aunt Hannah, Laura, Jake, Khi, NayNay, Mia, Hunter, RayRay, Jaclyn and Dylan, and ask about Baby Christian all the time (still working on her connecting you to your baby, Chelsea!)

You study the pages in your favorite books and ask me new questions about them every night ‘what’s that Mama? a collarbone? I have collarbone! what’s that Mama? an owie. I kiss it.’ You love watching movies now (for about 5 minutes at a time which is fine by me) but only want to watch Frozen, Trolls, Moana, Wreck It Ralph or Sing.

You handle changes and being told no pretty well for the most part- unless it’s no to having your chicken pacifier, which you call a ‘him’ and have decided is your closest companion. You started waking up around 1-2AM most nights and crying to be with Mama, so you've now spent several months sharing my bed at least half of the night- I don’t mind it too much. You’re loving learning to do things on your own like climbing up into the car, strapping your car seat straps, putting your pants on, and cutting up your food.

You offer to "go time out?" when you hit or bite me, and then say "I all done!" 30 seconds later so who knows if that's really working. You love tickles but also scream ‘no don’t get me!’ when I do it. You say ‘oh man!’ when I explain things you don’t like or are disappointed by. You let Mama pick out all your clothes still but now have an opinion about what shoes you wear (preferably rain boots or Mary Janes). You ask for ‘baby show hair’ every night after bath, which means watching YouTubeKids videos on my phone while I figure out that nights hairstyle.

You are kind and compassionate and ask what happened when you hear babies cry and yell ‘it’s okay baby!’ across the store aisles at them, and you ask me if I’m mad if I cross my arms. You are full of energy and it wears Mama out often, but as soon as you’re asleep I miss you every night. You seem to get in trouble a lot more at Papa and Giggy’s house than you ever do at home or Mary’s house.

You can carry a tune well and have to get up and dance to any TV show theme song (primarily booty shaking).  You are more fun than I ever imagined and so so smart. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

All of her beautiful 2 year-old photos were taken by Oh!Davidson Creative 💕

strong as a mom

509 minutes.

23 miles.

3 miles.

57 beats per minute.

.09%

all of these numbers meant something to me in the last week, and all of them related to my physical fitness.

my Fitbit logged 509 minutes of physical activity for my week. this is any span of time where I'm actively moving that's longer than 10 minutes- working out, cleaning the house, sometimes chasing Brooklyn around.

I biked 23 miles total during two cycling classes- I aim for at least two if not three classes a week.

I started running again to eventually be ready for a 5K, and started off by running a mile three times this week to see how fast I could do it. I've got a long way to go if I want to PR my 5K.

my heartbeat now averages 57 beats per minute. (I love tracking this statistic). it's been going up the past week as I have some stress in my life I can't resolve yet, but I'm consciously trying to continue to lower it. when I started working out again regularly, it was mid-60's.

all this to say- I joined a wellness challenge through the YMCA in January and that 8 week challenge ended last week. I gained a pound during the challenge- yes, gained. but- I also started consistently working out between 2-5 times a week. I can now bike faster than the men in my class and keep pace with the instructor. I'm taking a TRX class twice a week and working out using straps and my own body weight which is a great kind of challenge. I worked hard and now love working out again- and I lost .09% of fat in 8 weeks. it is SUCH a small amount, I was honestly surprised! but it's something. 

one of the trainers off-hand made a comment about how weight loss is "70% nutrition, 30% physical activity" and I know it's true. but- I struggle with the term "nutrition" and have for a long time. right now, I'm focused on raising my daughter to appreciate food and enjoy mealtimes. I'm worried about messing her up in a lot of ways related to food, so I'm still figuring out how I want to portray to her the concept of choosing foods. I am quite aware I have had a disordered way of eating and have since I was a child- but I have no idea how to "fix" it. 

so I'm currently settling for being strong. I'm not losing weight, I have no abs to speak of, and I won't be showing off my figure in anything form fitting anytime soon. but I also hope my daughter sees her mom lifting her in the air, doing bicep curls with her in my arms, moving heavy furniture, and keeping pace with her when we run. I want her to learn about bodies being a variety of sizes and loving mine the way it is as an example. I want to figure out how to talk about food in a nurturing way with her and not place value on certain foods over others. I want her to talk about food with me and not feel she has to hide what she eats. 

I'm figuring out one thing at a time and I've "figured out" I love the capabilities and strength of my body, as strong as a mom needs to be.

really sweaty after cycling

my 2018 personal ad

single white female. seeks single *any ethnicity* male. for long talks to quickly figure out if it's something worth pursuing because I AM OLD.

I remember looking through the personal ads at my grandma's house in the newspaper when I realized that they were. I tried to figure out what the acronyms meant and marveled at the "missed connections" section, wondering how people would ever know if they were the person in the produce aisle you smiled at a week ago.

lately, I've been thinking more and more about this whole single life I've lived for most of my adult years now. as a mom now, it adds a whole other layer to dating which I'm well aware of and know I made the choice to become- but it doesn't meant I don't want or deserve a partner nonetheless!

as a woman, a thought in my mind all the time is I want someone to pursue me. I want someone to take interest, make an effort, and go out of their way to let me know they're interested in me. as a woman in 2018, I fear this is never going to happen. many of my friends have also made it clear they would not be married now if they had waited for this to happen ;) but, I have a bold personality type and take charge in most situations and dream of being able to not have to take charge in this one (albeit major) role.

I've tried online dating. I'm not a huge fan. I have actually gone on a couple of dates in the last year and they were perfectly nice and for one reason or several never went anywhere. however, for someone in a female dominated field who often spends the most time with her couch at the end of a long work day and not out in the world, online dating makes sense. the pool of men on online, however, leaves much wanting. I kept thinking, if one more guy posts a shirtless mirror selfie or a picture of him holding a fish, I'm deleting my account. it happened. I deleted my account.

so here I sit. in a position I didn't "choose" to be in (single) but nonetheless have remained in for years. so much so that most of my friends only know of me in this way. so much so that people don't even ask anymore about it because it's always the same. so much so that I've now created my realistic personal ad.

I'm looking for someone who is honest, loves God, works hard, has good teeth, takes care of themselves physically, is taller than me, wants children (duh), doesn't smoke or do drugs, only responsibly drinks, and will go to the park to play and leave the chores at home for later. I'm ready to listen to someone's troubles and care and remember details about their life and check in to see how they are. to get to know someone's family and see all the connections they've built and see the kaleidoscope of what they mean to other people and how their life has impacted them. I want to lay on my sectional lazily watching Netflix with the captions on- with someone. I want to run errands and leave my daughter in the car while I pick up pizza because there's someone I trust in the car with her. I want someone to tag me out and say "you look tired- I'm doing the dishes tonight" or taking a turn having Bee label body parts on them so I can breathe and not be touched constantly. I want to notice new gray hairs in someone or when they gain 5 pounds over the holidays and reassure them it doesn't change a relationship or who they are as a person. I want to travel to Greece and New York City and Mexico and explore with someone I care deeply enough about to make it worth leaving my daughter for these trips. I want to have matching family Halloween costumes. I want to have a strong male figure in Bee's life that will hopefully, someday, eventually, be somebody she can call Daddy. I want someone to put their hand in my back pocket like Peter Kavinsky (TATBILB always). I want to love, and be loved.

the 12 month box

last night I had my parents take Bee for a sleepover. it's been a long week at work, allergies are getting me down, I'm not sleeping well, and she's always on the go- I needed a break. my mom is much more of an emotional person than I am and when I asked if they would watch her she said I should spend my time alone essentially, having a good cry. I am not a crier at all, and responded that I really just wanted to go to the bathroom alone and get to sleep in.

I laid around on the couch for a couple hours and then found myself cleaning until 12:30AM. the main thing I wanted to take care of was putting away all of her 12 month clothes, along with putting her bottles and extra pacifiers in storage. yep- after almost 19 months, my baby had her last bottle on Wednesday. she's been on Nutramigen (a fairly expensive formula) and then on Nutramigen Toddler the past few months due to a milk sensitivity and slow weight gain, so the doctors wanted her to stay on it until 18 months for the extra calories. we were running out and I could sense it was more of a habit than a need for her anyways, so I did a slow wean and then the next morning when she woke up asking for "bottle" immediately as she always does, I said "(soy) milk instead!" and she was fine with it.

putting away those bottles was sad. I loved snuggling with her feeding her- even up until the end it was a sure way to get her to sit still and cuddle into my arms. I love meeting her needs and knowing she feels safe in our home and that she'll always have love and food here. wouldn't you know it, I did cry packing away those bottles.

what was sadder though, and even harder, was packing up the 12 month box.

Bee has been in 12 month clothes since right around her 1st birthday. it's been almost 7 months, and she's finally grown enough to fit into (most of) her 18 month clothes. packing away her smaller clothes reminded me how hard I fought with doctors, how many times I asked "why won't she eat?" only to be given no answers, how many times I have been told "she's so small!" that it's now my follow-up mantra when people ask how old she is..."19 months and YES she's tiny". her weight is finally at 20 pounds, although her height isn't quite as fast to increase and she's now in the 1st percentile for her age in this.

but beyond the size issue, packing up the 12 month box packed up memories. when she started wearing these clothes, I had finally just started having all the hope for our future I felt I never could before. some of these outfits were bought by my friends when I started fostering- outfits my first placement never got to wear that I didn't know at first if I would have Bee long enough to see her in them! outfits I don't know if I'll ever see on a baby again- because that would mean I'd either be fostering again, or having my own children, and neither of those looks like part of my imminent future.

some day, in the future, I'd love to capture this entire process. to tell you what it feels like to be someone's Mama, but to have to answer that you're the "foster mom". to spell her last name a million times at appointments and cry the first time you see it typed up with your last name. to get your hope up that this time the paperwork and the process will work quickly, only to find out it won't.

the 12 month clothes are packed up now. the bottles are put away. I have been her mama her whole life, and eventually I'll get to introduce you officially to my daughter- hopefully before the 18 month box is packed up too.

sometimes self-care is a shower

it's 9:45PM and I just ate dinner. leftover mac & cheese, the meal of champions. I've had "a day" and need to get it out, if only to capture a minute in time and recognize it's not forever.


this week at my job(s) I have-
42 hours of work
14 home visits (to then somehow case note on top of last week's visits...)
3 meetings
1 training

and then at home I have-
three personal appointments, a friend's birthday to (happily!) celebrate, weekly trivia night with the family, making goodbye goodies for the daycare teachers, and also making dinner for my child every night by 5:30 or she starves to death (by her screams that's what I assume will happen).

I say all this not to be "woe is me" (because my life is awesome, and I know it!).
I say all this not to compare, because I'm aware other people "have it worse"- work more, get less sleep, have more kids, etc.
I say this because I've come to realize that I equate taking a shower with hard work.

as in, I plan my shower schedule around my work-outs. for when I've gotten really sweaty and pushed myself hard and then "deserve" to have a shower afterwards because I worked for it. recently, though, I've been working out less and less (because see above), and at the end of the day I feel like I don't deserve to shower because yet again, I've done too much in the day and had too much going on to want to work out.

how messed up is this?! I'm only JUST realizing I do this, and have done this for years. mind you, I promise I still shower when I haven't worked out, I'm not that rude to subject people to an unwashed Lexi. but when I haven't gotten a run in or done a cross training video beforehand, I feel like I wasn't good enough to really have earned that shower.

tonight, I just said enough. and I showered, without Brooklyn awake and pulling back the curtain every few seconds, without having worked up a sweat beforehand, without feeling the ache in my muscles from push-ups. it was self-care. it was needed. and I need more of it.

7:15AM getting ready, breakfast for me and Bee and last minute cleaning
8:30AM case worker visit with the state of Ohio representative attending, who did a home inspection and discovered my smoke detectors don't work (which could cost me my foster license if not remedied ASAP with the fire department's approval)
10:30AM first work visit of the day
11:30AM adoption presentation at children's services, where I brought the scrapbook that took me a weekend of putting together 18 months of pictures that they asked me to bring and then never looked at
1PM case noting and replying to all the e-mails while eating lunch in a parking lot between visits
2:15PM attending a speech therapy evaluation for the second work visit of the day
3:15PM called the adoption lawyer while driving to the next visit and found out they LOST my paperwork I filed in March, to petition the courts
3:30PM running into the new pediatrician's office to sign a release so Bee's medical records can be moved
4PM third work visit of the day
5:30PM case noting visits/ e-mails/ Face Timing Bee
6:15PM working other (evening) job
8:30PM home to play with Bee, give her meds, and relieve my mom of babysitting duty
9:15PM S H O W E R .

my 15 minutes of just me. no thoughts (ish) or to-do lists. just me, trying to reframe my perspective and priorities and say it's okay to not do it all, and it's still okay to shower.

thanks for sticking with these weird thoughts tonight :)