This Old House

I'm finally almost finished with the current renovations I'm doing on our (new to us) home that was built in 1949. When this home came up on the market, I stalked pictures of it online searching for an idea of what to expect on the inside as it was initially only listed as "Coming Soon" with one exterior picture only. I found a few pictures from when it was last sold in 2012 and was instantly excited to see it- thinking, unless they've done something awful to it the house looked good! Spoiler alert- there was stuff done to it 😆This house was the second one I had made an offer on, and I wanted the other house I had offered on more than this one- but I am so glad it worked out the way it did. Especially because I had sold our house and needed to be out ASAP. I am so grateful to my realtor who helped me visualize taking out all the furniture and starting from scratch with my own things and touches- and then I was able to really think of this as our future home. 

I bought this house "As Is", agreeing that unless there were major issues with the inspection I would still buy it and not ask for any repairs to be made. I definitely didn't know what I was getting into with this fixer-upper, but I feel like I'm pretty capable and decided to use the profit from selling my first home to do as many updates as I could at this time. Not only so the house would be comfortable and great for us, but also for future re-sale value (a woman has to be smart, never know when change will happen again!) 

I'll go through room by room with before and after pictures and give an idea of the work that was done.

 

g a r a g e

Things I did-

Ripped up the old (possibly abestos) tile flooring

Power washed and de-greased the concrete floor

Painted the subwall and floor

Epoxy coated the floor

Painted the stairwell

Painted the garage door

Found and painted a free wooden step on FB Marketplace to use for the back porch door

Finally finished covering all that green paint and painted the cabinet 😅

Things I hired out-

Painted the walls and ceiling

New garage door and opener (thanks Dad/Eli/Martha)

Replace the interior and exterior doors

l i v i n g  r o o m

Things I did- 

Ripped up the carpet squares and old flooring tacks

Painted the fireplace and trim

Removed million year old wall mirror and 79 nails from walls

Tor2 out old window treatments

Tried unsuccessfully to wire new outlets (succeeded on 1)

Installed "built-in" IKEA bookshelves

Painted the hallway walls and ceiling

Things I hired out-

Painted the walls and ceilings

Installation of vinyl plank flooring

Fireplace and chimney repair to make it use-able after 9+ years

New windows (for the whole house too)

Exterior door replaced

Electrical work- replacing 2 prong outlets with grounded outlets, new light switches

k i t c h e n  /  d i n i n g  r o o m

Can you tell it's the room I'm the most proud of??

Things I did-

Primed and painted the cabinets and hardware (Graham helped)

Painted the countertops

Installed wallpaper backsplash

Demolished (with Dad's help) the old cabinet with stovetop/oven in it

Replaced all appliances (goodbye avocado green!)

Painted the trim

Painted the built-in

Painted the French doors (also thanks to Martha)

Found a table, chairs and bench set on FB marketplace for a great price

Installed a "locker" area by the back door with a bench for shoes, hanging racks for our bags/coats and "command center"

Things I hired out-

Flooring (same as living room)

Electrical work- needed to remove the wiring for the previous stovetop/oven and install new wiring for fridge, stove and microwave

New light fixtures and ceiling fan installed

Plumbing- installed reverse osmosis system and fridge water line, new sink and faucet, removed disposal 

Painting of the walls and ceilings

b e d r o o m s 

Things I did-

Painted both bedrooms (Eli did the high parts of B's room)

Replaced the 50 year-old window treatments in both bedrooms

Tore down the awnings blocking all the gorgeous natural light from outside

Things I hired out-

Painting of the ceilings and trim (so. much. painting.)

New ceiling fan light fixtures installed

b a t h r o o m 

Things I did-

Fixed the toilet

Basically nothing hahah. Waiting on my estimate for renovating the whole thing, not in a huge hurry because it all works fine- just needs a facelift!

b a c k y a r d

Things I did-

Power washed the back patio

Burned a million stray sticks left all over the property in that handy fireplace 

Things I hired out-

Moving her playhouse (thank you Perrysburg Movers!)

New swingset (Playground World)

The last thing to be finished is the basement- I'll give it its' own little post when that's finished, because I'm excited for it and because it's still not done 😜 It's been fun actually getting to choose my own things for this house, even though I simultaneously hate spending money and worry about that all the time. But bit by bit we've been making this home comfy and ours and I love this journey!

Layers

5 years ago, I had just bought my home and it was just me. I don't remember what I did with most of my time, but I know I was somehow always busy.

I feel very strongly that you do *not* have to be a parent or have children to learn everything you need to know or experience everything there is in life. But for me, it has changed and shaped me into the person I am. A person very different from who I was 5 years ago.

Every day, I parent through layers.

Top layer is single mom Lexi. It is the plainly visible to most, outermost, and biggest impact portion of my parenting. It means there is no "break" without arranging one days or weeks in advance, then spending that entire "break" wondering how B is doing, sometimes getting calls from her reporting how she's doing, and basically not resting at all. It means I never get to drop the mental load of scheduling appointments, cleaning our house, figuring out what skills I should be teaching her next, staying on top of medical issues, always having an answer for questions like "when are you getting married, why don't I have a dad, when will I have a daddy?" It means often being called a superhero or rock star while feeling like I just want help.

Then there's transracial parent Lexi. WAP, as I'm known as in online groups. White adoptive parent. Un-learning racist beliefs I have held since I was a child, and having to do it in a hurry because I didn't do this work before I became the parent of a Black child. Teaching family and friends about micro-aggressions, impact versus intent, and how to see race. Taking B to hair salons that will surround her with other Black people, for racial mirrors and also because that's where her hair is best taken care of. Recognizing how to care for her skin and her hair and empowering her to learn this as well. Learning what ballet classes are filled with only white children and then B, and seeking out ones that are different. Constantly looking for homes in a different neighborhood and school district where she can have peers who look like her. Being disappointed daily by family members and friends who ‘don’t see color’ or call me a ‘promoter of racial division’ for speaking passionately about racial equity. Feeling regret that having a Black daughter is what spurred on a lot of changes in me, while knowing I should have changed even without her.

Finally- the big one- the undermost layer. Adoptive mom Lexi. The second mom Brooklyn ever knew. AMom, as she may someday call me. Struggling to walk the line between sadness and joy, on a daily basis, because B is my daughter only because I had privileges, support and resources her first mom never did. Texting and visiting with her first family as much as we can because that's what B deserves. Hearing "adoption is such a blessing!" and cringing so hard because it's a loss, a death of a life B would otherwise be living, in another part of our town with different people, who look like her and share her bloodline. It means I get the huge GIFT of my daughter while holding onto the large job of teaching her about her biological family. It means hoping all along that I'm doing the right things, building her connections enough, sharing our lives together in a way that honors her family, while also building our life together.

I never thought about these layers when I pictured my life 5 years down the line, years ago. I now have no choice- I can’t decide to strip off any of the layers for a day. So when people acknowledge that single parenting must be hard and they could never do it, I usually just nod- and think of the layers.

Preschool options in the Toledo area

 Whew, preschool! The years are creeping up on me. B will turn 4 soon and technically I guess she could have started preschool last year, but she has been at a great in-home sitter for the last 2 1/2 years and I wasn't in a hurry to change that. Her sitter is my best friend's mom and has been caring for kids for years, B's best friends also go there, she deals with my flexible/changing schedule with no complaints, and B is well-loved and cared for. 

However, my smarty-pants girl has been needing a challenge and I decided it was time to get serious about finding a preschool option for her since she won't be starting kindergarten for another year and a half. Below I listed the places I looked into, and some of the information I gathered about each place (tuition is a big one- don't hide your prices, be transparent!)

Ideally, I was looking for-

• Full day (what is with preschools and their 2 1/2 hour programs?? Who does that work well for!)
• Affordable (this is obviously different for every person- for me I was looking for less than $150 a week)
• Diverse (I would love diversity in all areas, ability/race/culture/religion/age, but the primary thing I was seeking was other children of color)
• Logical location (not too far away from home or my office, for whenever I go back to working from there)
• COVID precautions (I was afraid of sending her into a huge classroom with tons of new peers and how it would be handled, but also dreaded her having to wear a mask allll day long at 4 years old)

Montessori Day School is a Christian program located in Toledo on Bancroft St. Their rate for 4 half days a month is $465. They offer mornings or afternoons, with the times offered 8:15-11:15 or 11:30-2:30. Their classrooms are multi-age- they value diversity, but informed me their enrollment is currently all white.

Toledo Christian School is a Christian program located in Toledo off the Anthony Wayne Trail. Their rate for Monday-Friday full-day, 8AM-3PM preschool is $6,800 for the school year. They now have a $500 scholarship available, but it is offered to current students before newly enrolling students and no other financial assistance is available. After hours care is available for $4 per hour.

Maumee Valley Country Day School is a private preschool-12th grade campus in Toledo off Reynolds Rd. Their cost for full-day, 8AM-3PM preschool is $17,500 for the school year. I chose to look into MVCDS because their website states "We are proud that our students come from many different communities, different types of families, and a wide range of economic backgrounds, comprising a student body that represents the rich diversity of our region". This was encouraging to me! The diversity of their student body was great to see during the tour, and the children spend most of their time outside even in the winter, which I loved. After my tour there, I was told financial assistance is only available up to 50% off tuition at this level- so, more than $8,750 for the school year. After care is available for $7 per hour.

Trinity Lutheran is a Christian program on Heatherdowns in Toledo. The cost for half-day, Monday-Friday preschool is $2,600 for the school year- if you pay in full for the year you can receive a 3% discount. There are also additional registration/milk fees. Their sessions are 8:15-11:15 or 12:15-3:15. They do combined age classrooms in the preschool. I asked about the diversity of the student body and was told "we have a diverse student population, one child is even Indonesian with the most beautiful hair". Maybe don't equate race with beauty! I do know several people who are happy there, so hopefully it was just an off-hand remark that will be learned from. After care is available for $4.50 per hour. 

Maumee Public School is our local public school system. The cost of their half-day, Monday-Friday program is $230 a month. They offer financial assistance through the Early Childhood Education grant for 4 year-olds- an idea of the income requirements to qualify for that can be found here (we do not qualify). Their hours are 8:30-11:15 or 12:30-3:15. I know Maumee as a whole has a low population of non-white students, but I do not have statistics on this. This was our second best option, as it would get B into the local school district experience, it's very close to us, and she has been asking to go there forever. I would have to use my lunch break everyday to pick her up, take her to the sitter's, and go back to work. Not ideal.

YMCA Childcare has several sites around the Toledo area. I was looking into this option right before the pandemic started, since they had a site in an elementary school close to my work. They also offer scholarships to people who have been denied Job & Family Services assistance (us)- however, when I called to ask about this they informed me that since their enrollment is down due to COVID-19, they are not offering financial assistance at this time and it would be a case-by-case basis in the future. Their rate for full-time care is $180/week for members and $200/week nonmembers. I forgot to ask about their curriculum/diversity (although the latter likely relies on which site you choose).

Carnation ELC was recommended to me by a few people- it's a newer childcare site on Reynolds Rd. in Toledo. They're open year-round, and the cost for full-time care is $167/week (this could change). The staff follows strict COVID-19 protocols, and the children are able to pursue interest-based learning. 

Toledo Day Nursery is a year-round program located in downtown Toledo on Jefferson Ave. They use a sliding scale fee, based on JFS guidelines, and charge you based on your income. For us, the weekly cost for full-time, full-day preschool would likely be $130. They are a small site with one classroom and low ratios due to COVID-19. They use Creative Curriculum (what I used to teach when I taught preschool years ago). Their current student enrollment is majority Black, although their staff is all white. 

What I found through this search was-

• Preschool programs tend to be aimed at families where a family member stays at home and is easily able to drop off/pick up for half day schedules
• Costs tended to trend around $6,500-$10,000 for a SCHOOL year's worth of preschool- now add in the cost of a summer program also 😳
• Diversity is reliant on the area the program is located in- which I guess isn't a surprise, but was definitely a priority for me to seek out racial mirrors for B
• Costs and financial assistance are kept under wraps in many cases. This was the main reason I decided to blog about this, both to capture the research I did in case it helps someone else but also to actually list out the fees. I continue to wish finances were openly discussed and not some "taboo" topic and I will keep dropping the number bombs until this happens!
• ONE program out of all the ones I contacted actually said "we base our fee on YOUR income". This is what I was really looking for- I don't even want to under-value the worth of early childhood educators, but I cannot rationalize going into debt for tuition that I simply cannot afford. 

Our 2020 family newsletter

 Didn’t realize it had been since April since I blogged, but that feels about right for this year. I took a month off of social media recently and now every time I try to to post, it either feels too thought out and wordy, or not important enough to share. 

Rather than make a too wordy caption on an adorable picture of B, here’s a few of our life updates via blog.

Lexi’s year-

-I’m grateful to be working in a job that has allowed me to work from home since March 17th. The week before we went to working from home, I was put into situations where clients were sick and didn’t tell us and I would sit there worrying how contagious they were and if I would be bringing something home. I am grateful all the time that my employer cares about our health and takes the pandemic seriously so there have been no more scary situations like that. Also, the employer I left for my current job would never have allowed me this same safe work setup.

-I continue to run for fun- I love being alone, being outside, listening to podcasts, and arguing with my brain that I’m strong and can do it no matter how much I want to quit. I have no set goals but want to run more in 2021 than I have before.

-I have basically been living the same life as I had pre-quarantine. I remember all the time that many years ago my two best friends were joking about how they could never live with me because I’d be so needy and always want someone to spend time with- well, jokes sure on them for that one because I’m the only one of them who has ever lived alone, and being a single mom I was already basically socially distancing before it was cool. I see my family sometimes, my best friends even more infrequently, but otherwise I have just resigned myself to ‘this is life now’ and am used to being ‘alone’ (you’re never alone with a child).

-I have watched a ton of Survivor, The Challenge, binged The Queen’s Gambit, and am now watching The Flight Attendant. These are my interests, along with baking and loving my friends from afar 😄

B’s year

-Her birthday party happened in the nick of time the weekend right before everything shutdown, which was a huge blessing so she still got to celebrate turning 3. We have gotten back in touch with her first family and have visited with them several times, and hope to do so even more as Covid-19 cases decline. 

-She watches movies and tells me ‘they should have masks on!’ when there’s scenes of people inside. My babe is a pro at wearing masks (except for always licking them). She basically only goes into the donut shop for our weekly trip, and yet has not complained once about her totally shifted lifestyle of rarely leaving the house. After a brief stint of feeling ‘safe’, we put our Y membership on hold and she wistfully talks about when we’ll get to go swimming again she can’t wait to bring her mermaid Barbie there. 

-After over a year with no answers to sleep issues, she had her sleep study done and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. She had 6 apnea episodes an hour on average during the study! The pulmonologist led us slightly astray and delayed it a lot, but seeing a great ENT led us even further to answers and B will have her tonsils and adenoids out in February, along with thinning her nasal passages. 

-She is musical and sings her favorite songs on key all day- The Greatest Showman, Hamilton and Tarzan are her current favorites. She would rather sit and watch Survivor with me and then try to imitate the challenges than play with her toys, something we’re working on 😆 She continues to be the light of my life and as much as she challenges me, she is so intelligent and caring and her life matters so much. 

but if you never try, you'll never know

everything in my life has had intricate, confusing but always perfect timing. during this time of staying at home, it's been made even more obvious to me. I figured now was as good a time as any to tell the story of our last foster placement.

when I had my first foster placement, I picked her up from the hospital. I had told my family I'd likely be getting her, but told no one while I went to the hospital, walked into the nursery, waited as they wheeled her bassinet into an empty room, got instructions on signs of withdrawal to watch for, and changed her into a snuggly sleeper I had brought with me. it was just me and Baby A for the beginning. I was in love immediately.

3 months later when Brooklyn joined me, it was different. there was a snowstorm that day and Brooklyn was born in Michigan which made the handover a little more complicated. she was brought by a worker to my home wearing a Valentine's Day sleeper (in March), and I had just over an hour to cuddle her and change her into another snuggly sleeper while snapping some pictures to send to loved ones, before heading back off to work. I was not in love instantly. I was unsure how long she would be with me. I compared everything to Baby A- how could I not? I had several people reach out to me and let me know it's okay to feel that way, it's going to take time to bond, you'll love her just as much as Baby A- they were all right. I hope to never hide the truth from Brooklyn and the truth is her first month with me was hard and trying and I was not 100% in love with her because I didn't let myself at first.

when our last placement, another Baby (Boy) A joined us, it had been almost 3 years since my last foster placement had started. I have never known overwhelmed like that short time I had with him. the emotional burden of not connecting instantly with a child, while having a child of my own already, is the most exhausting thing I think I've experienced outside of a break-up. watching my child love on a baby she'd just met while I tried to summon those feelings myself broke me. I instantly missed having time for just me and Brooklyn, my forever child. everything in our day was made more difficult- tiny things like baby gates being put back up everywhere and constantly taking things out of a baby's mouth, and bigger things like preparing meals for 2 kiddos and 0 for myself. waking throughout the night checking on a baby again wreaked havoc on my rest, and having a baby instantly spread illnesses from his daycare that kept Brooklyn up for hours at night coughing made it much worse. I felt physically ill myself every waking hour he was with us.

I had support throughout it all- amazing foster friends checking in on me and offering so much help, reminding me it's okay to not be attached right away, reminding me it would feel different now that I had my own child, telling me once I got in the groove of our "new normal" it would feel better. my family stopping by to visit (although letting me know I wasn't being as "nice" to Baby Boy A as I was to Brooklyn, was not helpful). my best friends met him and did their best to make me feel supported and cared for. but as much as they all gave support, it's still just me. I couldn't rely on anyone else to help pick up the expanded workload, I had no one else to manage multiple daycare pickups and drop-offs, and I had no one to process the huge range of emotions with. I have had several people tell me throughout my struggles as a single mom that "you chose this", and that phrase flashed it my mind almost nonstop as I tried to get used to parenting two kids. because the thing is, I did choose it. but as much as I feel like a failure for it, I can also choose to not have this be our life.

so I did. again, without going too deeply into his case details, I knew I couldn't keep going on with Baby Boy A, and I let my case worker know. she was amazing and so helpful through the process which has not always (read: ever) been my experience with case workers, and through a quick and unpredictable set of circumstances Baby Boy A went back to his previous foster home. I'm so relieved knowing he's home with the faces he's known and loved for most of his life. I'm so grateful for the wake-up call of how much I value my life with just me and Brooklyn. I quickly gained back all the weight I lost from not eating while he was here 😆 it's a huge reminder that everything in my life comes back to the timing. we went through a renovation project last month that required me to move a lot of stuff into the nursery for storage, which wouldn't have been possible with a baby in there. B and I have been able to do tons of stuff together in February/March that we wouldn't have been able to do with a babe in tow. I cannot imagine going through this quarantine, working from home, isolated pandemic time with TWO kids on my own, and thankfully- I don't have to.

our brief stint as a family of 3

8 years and a lifetime ago

I went to a movie in Bowling Green after a day of classes and work. My college (and now thankfully once again) best friend Jac and I had planned to see this movie for weeks. For the life of me now, I can’t remember which one it was- I know it was the Hunger Games but I’d have to google to know which one premiered then. Driving back home on country roads that night, I got a text from my boyfriend- are you home yet? No, why, what’s up? Just tell me when you’re home. I called him immediately- something was off.

Hours and tears and screams laying under the computer desk in my family room to charge my phone and sobs and cursing and taking down every picture of him in my room later, it was over. I fell asleep by 3AM or so. I went to work the next day, my first shift as a server at Max & Erma’s. I spent the next few weeks numb- studying for finals, writing final papers, preparing to begin my final summer semester in my internship before graduating.

I was drained from it all. I had spent months fighting for a relationship that wasn’t good for me or to me. I look at pictures of this time and feel sadness because that relationship was all I had- my life had been based around this guy for 3 years. I had only a couple of friendships and only one close girlfriend. My family didn’t like him and didn’t hide their feelings. I was 21 and so alone. It would be years before I even started to realize the emotional trauma that had changed me forever.

The current Coronavirus pandemic is its’ own type of trauma. I’m a natural extrovert to begin with, and someone who works with families and colleagues all day long, and also a single parent. The first few days of staying at home were exhausting and sad for me. But, I am not alone. The past 8 years have been full of people, relationships, and experiences- I know beyond a doubt that everything happens for a reason, and I wouldn’t have my friendships, my home, my job, my faith, my pride and joy of a daughter- if I hadn’t had the worst day of my life 8 years ago.

I’m writing this because I woke up this morning from another dream about my ex- years later, even though I spend none of my waking hours thinking about him, my dreams often include the ghosts of my past. I woke up feeling so sad, and realized today’s date. But it’s a fleeting feeling and my life is so much more than sadness. This pandemic is real and awful and I’m so sad for people who are suffering from sickness and also just suffering in general, missing their ‘normal’. When we come out of this period of time, I have best friends waiting to be hugged (some more willingly than others), restaurants I can’t wait to go out to for breakfast dates with my girl, an office I’m happy to go back to, nephews I can’t wait to chase around and tickle and snuggle. Life is more than the sum of bad experiences- this I know and this I want my daughter to learn from me. March 29th, 2020 looks a whole lot different than I ever imagined it would 8 years ago and I’m grateful. 

crying in the car

I opened my home to foster placements again in November, and went almost 2 full months without a single call. I finally got a call the Monday after coming back to work from a long Christmas break, the Monday after hearing my dad potentially has some serious medical stuff going on. Without going into too much of the details or story that’s not all mine to tell, this call for placement was not a typical one. For one thing, I had a couple weeks notice before it happened. For another, it wasn’t for a newborn baby like my first two placements were. And finally, it’s very up in the air just how long he’ll be with us.

He came for a visit before he was placed with us and it was an odd feeling- he felt like someone I was babysitting. My overwhelming feeling that day was sadness that Brooklyn wouldn’t be my only baby anymore, the only one to get all my attention- but I also still felt pretty strongly that I still wanted to provide care for him, that babies deserve a home with love and attachment, and that I could do it. He’d met one of my best friends that day and most of my family had come over to meet him.

I picked him up later that next week. It was surreal to be on the other side of things- to be the foster parent picking up a baby from another foster parent who sobbed as they handed him over. He’s been a great sleeper through the night, has a cute smile that takes over his face, and eats almost everything I’ve given him. But- it feels SO different. My foster friends and friends in general have been saving my life reassuring me it takes time to get connected, it’s going to feel so different because I have my own daughter now, it’s okay if he doesn’t feel like ‘mine’ right away. I still feel like a failure nonetheless for not bonding with him immediately. For being frustrated at the changes in our life and schedule. I miss my time with just Brooklyn. But- his case will likely be short term, he deserves our love, and this is teaching me a lot- including what I want for our family’s future. So for now- I will be crying in the car, because it’s the only place where kids aren’t watching me constantly. I will be tearing up when people ask excitedly ‘how’s it going?!’ and I want to be honest but I also don’t want them to see how hard it is. I will be breathing a deep sigh of relief when I go to work and can focus on other people’s kids for a few hours instead of worrying about my own. And I will try to love more.