the second time around

it's been 2 months since I kissed Baby A one last time and handed her off to her case worker. 

sometimes, 2 months feels like nothing. in this case, it feels like an eternity.

a week after I said goodbye, I told my case worker I had waited long enough and wanted to be put "back on the list" to accept placements. and then I waited for a call- for 27 days. 

in that time, I re-decorated my living room, built some furniture, helped my best friends move into their new home, worked long hours, joined a gym and started working out 6 days a week, went out to dinners with friends, and slept through the night every. single. night.

Monday morning March 13th, I received an e-mail first thing in the morning from my case worker- "heads up- I put your name in for a baby who needs a home today so you may get a call". 3 hours later, I did. taking a newborn placement means calling the pediatrician to get in within a week, contacting daycare, scheduling a WIC appt., scheduling 2 case worker visits the first week, going to Meijer to make sure I have diapers and formula, and most importantly calling my parents to make sure they can help out. and only having one day off of work to get to know this baby before it's back to business as usual.

I felt like I was so prepared, so on top of things, so ready for this baby. she would never take the place of Baby A in my heart, but I was itching to be a foster mom again and wanted desperately to give a baby the love they so deserve. but the second time around, it was different. 

I didn't get to walk into the hospital nursery, see that sweet burrito of a baby sleeping, and carefully get her into the carseat I brought with me to go home. instead, a case worker dropped off a baby to my house who cried immediately when she opened her eyes, and I got to hold her for an hour before heading off to work for the evening. instead of smelling her sweet head, I was thinking about the baby clothes I needed to wash, the diaper bag I needed to pack for appointments the next day, and the fact that my last full night of sleep for some time had come and gone without me knowing.

it wasn't until a couple days later that I realized why it felt so different. I was different. I was guarded, protecting my heart without meaning to, knowing now that this sweet baby isn't "mine", and could be gone from my home before she even got into daycare. I was sad, looking at this adorable newborn who was not the first baby to have a piece of my heart, seeing all the ways she was different. I wondered if parents felt this way- that even though you don't love any of your children "more" than the other, you love them differently.

but- thankfully- God heals and works in ways I didn't even know how to ask for. I'm thrilled to say that the adjustment time was not that lengthy, and 4 weeks into this placement I love Bee wholeheartedly. she is so full of personality, beauty, and smiles (when she's not mean mugging). the second time around, I felt so much more prepared for the details of this life change- I just wasn't capable of preparing myself for the emotional shift. 

a picture an hour

weeks ago, before I knew my life would be changing again very quickly, I took a picture every (waking) hour for a day. a typical Friday, just to document what life was like. I'm grateful to remember and be reminded how much life changes and how much I've been given.

6AM hour- wake up time! I am learning to wake up before baby does so I can get everything ready to go and then just get her dressed then off to daycare!

7AM hour- driving to work. downtown Toledo traffic 

8AM hour- mmm mini muffins

9AM hour- my first Scholastic order form! Baby's daycare class is ordering

10AM hour- some office time, and my winter desk set-up

11AM hour- driving to a visit

12PM hour- lunch of champions in the car

1PM hour- selfies while waiting for my coworkers to arrive at a client's house- neighbor caught me taking this as I creepily waited. parking for home visits is hard, because if you park in their driveway they know you're there so you have to go in immediately. instead I parked down the street and got neighbor frowns.

2PM hour- back to the office and documenting.

3PM hour- my first (!) time working out at the gym since bringing home Baby A! just isn't a priority when there's snuggling to do but I'm trying to balance it all.

4PM hour- my favorite part of the day is pick-up time!  the minutes always drags on my drive to get Baby A- I can't wait to see her sweet face!

5PM hour- after a quick stop at the library, my weekend watchlist! thanks library mafia friends.

6PM hour- delicious leftover chicken & rice soup. my church family has been making me some meals which helps a ton because cooking is nearly impossible after working all day.

7PM hour- after grabbing food, washing my face and getting in PJ's, this is how every night looks. I love our time together, feeling her breathe so peacefully and relax, knowing she's home.

cupcakes, cuddles & crying

Merry day after Christmas! I love the snow melting and seeing all my grass again even if it comes with rain :) Baby A and I are enjoying a day sleeping on the couch with movies.

yep- that's right. one short month ago I was writing about waiting and how slowly the process was going and how it felt like I would never have a placement, and now there's a baby sleeping on my chest while I write this. a few short weeks ago- just seconds after I put cupcakes in the oven for my best friends's birthday- I got the call to come pick up my first placement from the hospital.

life with a newborn has been fun! sweet, emotional, hard, sleep deprived- but so well worth it. I have to say that I honestly thought sleep would be much more difficult and she usually sleeps like a champ. she is healthy, happy and the biggest snuggle bug in the world- so much so that she wants to be held while she's awake and sleeping and while I eat, pee, cook, clean, etc. my work has been flexible and my family has been great watching her so she could stay at home away from daycare germs until she's a bit bigger.

there are 2 frequent conversations I've been having so I wanted to address those quickly.
1. I don't know how you do it, I would get too attached!
I am. I am 100% attached. I love this little girl so much. she's met so many people who also already love her tons. you have to be attached- would you want your child staying with someone who kept them at an arm's length if you couldn't be with them? the challenge is being emotionally stable enough to know how to say goodbye when it's needed. which leads to-
2. how long will you have her?
nobody knows. it could be 2 weeks or 2 years. I'm open to whatever length of time.

ironically, I've been getting ready to publish this for a few days but the holidays kept me busy baking and celebrating- and last night the first real rough spot hit. after a day full of Christmas, Little Miss ate- and wanted to eat again- and again- and again- and then stayed awake for over 3 hours till early in the morning. nothing would get her to sleep, and in the meantime I'm sleep deprived, overwhelmed and had an unsettled stomach (because chronic digestive problems yay). it hit full force then that I'm alone- I have a wonderful support system of family and friends who help SO much- but at 1AM, I'm alone. I know what I signed up for and I don't regret a second of this journey, but I definitely will continue to need my amazing community alongside me throughout it all!

I hope to not forget this newborn stage- both the negative with some sleep issues and worrying about her health, and the huge positives of all the sweet, sweet cuddles, no crying, and basic needs fulfillment. I treasure your thoughts and prayers as we continue Baby A's  story!

waiting- the foster process

a year ago I was preparing to move into a home I fell in love with. one of the things I loved was the 3 bedrooms, 2 more than I needed. that was the start of my path to fostering, simple but true- I had the space.

through my job that I love, I work with families of children birth to 3 years old. because of the nature of our work (Early Intervention), we deal with a LOT of children's services cases. this means there's an open case plan either because the child was abused, neglected, born exposed to drugs, the parents can no longer take care of them, or a handful of other situations. I came into contact with quite a few discouraging foster parents- people who smoke in front of their kids, don't provide for their development, & bad mouth the primary parents. but more often then those situations were the inspiring foster parents- who love what they do, see the real need for caring, healing homes, and answered the call. a specific meeting with a foster mom who encouraged me made me decide to sign up for the classes. I had the passion.

the final decision was time. I am a super busy person- it's what drives me & I thrive having lots to do. this meant taking the classes wouldn't fit into my schedule for several more months, & I would have to shift my focus from other areas I was volunteering in. finally the timing was right- so I started pre-service foster/ adoptive parenting classes in June 2016.

the classes are 36 hours through my local Children's Services agency. they're free, & usually take 6 weeks to complete with two 3 hour classes a week. I had to start them in the summer & finished them the week before my 26th birthday. after the classes, you get a background check (the agency covers the cost). you fill out a lot of paperwork (which I oddly like doing). then a home study case worker is assigned to you, & the visits start. there's an initial home visit with more paperwork & a safety inspection. you have to have multiple references, both personal & work, fill out paperwork and submit it. I had a medical exam over the summer & then had to get a TB test. they ask you to list back-up babysitters, & then these people have to have a background check completed as well. they are the only people you can leave your child with (besides your approved daycare). because I work full-time, daycare is paid for through the county- I had to find a daycare, toured it, & put myself on the waiting list. I will be taking only one child, under the age of 6 months. then there's a second home visit- a thorough personal interview about my relationships, social history, how I was raised, my family life, etc. the last step is the fire inspection which I'm working on getting scheduled this week, then all my paperwork is submitted to approve my license.

in the meantime during this process, I have had a wonderful friend offer to post needs I had on her Facebook mom's group. they have blessed me so much! you are required to have everything set up by the time of the final home inspection, and I'm OCD, so it's been set up for over a month now :)

this process has felt like forever, but I'm trying to be patient through the last few steps & prepare for my life to change. I'm so grateful to have a huge support system of family & friends, & especially thankful to have God & His word guiding me through it all. a really striking statistic to me is if just one family in every three churches in America would become a foster family, we wouldn't have children waiting for homes. I can't wait to be a part of this system & do what I can to get children back to their homes safely.

my life as told by 'Bridesmaids'

because it's one of my favorite movies and because why not? you're welcome :)

when I get support from my besties:

when people talk about "big boob problems":

being a home owner & still wanting stuff:

 when people introduce me to friends who "remind them of me":

when people reveal their imperfections :)

 the after effects of dating only jerks:

listening to my coworkers complain about how fat they are after eating

any kind of food, ever.

hoping your future husband fits in with the weirdos you love the most:

thanks stomach:

client's names at work:

so proud of my family & friends:

 every. single. social. setting:

 and no tolerance for people's complaints:

EVERYDAY ALL DAY:

on being single

I think this post is probably starting the way most people's do- a million thoughts in my head, sitting in front of a blank screen not knowing exactly how to start. Band-Aid style, let's rip it off quickly and go.

I am 25. I am a proud cat momma. I have a college degree. I have a job I love going to everyday. my family is close and wonderful. my friendships are so fulfilling. I enjoy volunteering with my church. I lead a ladies Bible study. I just bought a house! I enjoy running and baking cookies, and wish they could be simultaneous events. and I am single.

literally what feels like the most defining part of me most days is that final, tiny piece of my life- my relationship status. this post is not an advice column for "What Every Single Person Should Do", nor is it a complaint of WHY ME?! instead, it's a musing on the stages of being single as observed by me. disclaimer- I'm a lady, so I can only speak from the lady experience. in addition, I'm a Christ follower, so I can't speak to the nature of the "hook-up culture" style of being single.




the Stages of Singlehood (*as experienced by me and maybe no one else but that's okay)

1. freedom!

ahhh. like taking off your bra the moment you get home, or sliding into bed every night. it feels so refreshing after needing to put your "best face forward" for so long in a relationship, to just be you. be every cliche in the book about being young, wild, and free. except my wild was more of the "watch Netflix till you almost die and eat a lot of ice cream" sort.

2. rebound

why am I single? I love dating. I loved being a girlfriend. I will be anyone's girlfriend. you there, homeless man! I will date you. you don't want to date? why? oh I'M needy? okay. fair. but seriously, don't just date to date. heal.

3. self reflection

perhaps the longest of any stage, and for good reason. I have never learned more about myself than I have in these past 4 years, nor did I ever think I would be so interesting! people around me would say how "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" and they were right. I learned not only what ticks me off, but also how to realize realistic expectations- for myself and others. one of the things I love learning the most is doing chores while living alone. if I don't do it, no one does.

4. getting back into "the scene"

ha. ha ha. my experience with this stage is people watching at bars while going out with friends. I know it's possible, but I just don't see Jesus having me meet my future spouse while having beers spilled on your feet and an old man touching your butt. congratulations if that is your "how we met" story! I would love to hear that.

5. happiness- but not contentedness

which leads me to where I seem to have ended up. as a Christian, I can't help but feel the "pressure" of being single. I am constantly told the following by well-meaning (Christian) family and friends-
"how are YOU still single?"
"enjoy this time while you can!"
"God has His own timing"
"I know a recently single guy!"
"have you tried online dating?"
"are you seeing anyone yet?"
"Gage needs cousins!" (true).

I've been prayed over by women who want the best for me and know my heart longs for a godly relationship. I've learned to spend my time serving others to focus my energy on something outside of myself. I try to enjoy every evening of "me time" while it lasts. I even do crazy things like signing up for foster parent training & wearing leggings as pants because I can. I am happy with everything God has given to me- but I'm longing for contentedness. I'm also a little scared. mostly that my friends are all in this stage of life without me- engagements, weddings, pregnancies- and I don't want to be left behind. the beautiful part of this is all the intelligent, gorgeous, godly women God has brought into my life this past year who are also single.

this, to me, is the ultimate stage because I'm finally seeing that it's not about what I can do- not about me going out and meeting guys, not about my friend who has a friend who was also single until she was 29 and 3/4 years old and then bam marriage, and not about my wild and crazy freedom- it's about surrendering in all things so I can let God do His thing.



which is way harder than it sounds.

a wild shower

it feels like a year ago we were throwing this shower for my best friend Courtney...her bridal shower in August 2012.

then just a few months later (but actually almost 2 years later) another bridal shower, this time for my other best friend Arielle.

fast forward almost a year later to Valentine's Day 2015- being shown an ultrasound picture and me bursting into tears because the baby Tyler and Courtney had wanted and prayed for was a reality! as the first of my closest friends to have a baby, it has been such a joy and blessing to her about the bad times (and experience them by not being able to eat pizza around Courtney for a few months) and the good times (going from feeling Gage kicking to being able to WATCH him roll around her belly these past few weeks).

as much as they prayed for a healthy baby, I knew they really wanted a boy- so I was thrilled when they announced the gender to our friend group. a little too thrilled, as I cut this video short by accident.

the outfit I bought for them to open if it was a boy :)

there are so many people who love Courtney and Tyler, so we had a lot of minds working on ideas and hands creating this great shower! without further ado, here's some of my favorite pictures of Gage's "Where the Wild Things Are" shower.

Tami, Courtney's brother's wife/sister-in-law, made this cute outfit garland! including some personalized onesies for Gage.

Lisa, Courtney's mother-in-law, is a wizard with some nature and decorating simply but gorgeously.

the food table- Mary & Lisa did a great job coordinating all the food, especially the cute watermelon boat Mary made!

looking at this beautiful cake makes me giggle, because it was a Pinterest find that Tyler sister/Courtney's sister-in-law Lacey worked for a long time on and then the first attempt literally fell over inside the fridge. cake and frosting everywhere. it was so frustrating for her but all she could do was laugh! we ate cake as we decorated and they managed to make and decorate a new cake by the time of the shower and it all turned out great. delicious chocolate cake with buttercream and salted caramel frosting.

crown cookies baked by Arielle, decorated by me ;)

the proud grandmas, Mary & Lisa! featuring the great banner Courtney's sister-in-law Meggan made.

ladies on Tyler's side of the family

opening her many wonderful gifts for Gage!

ladies on Courtney's side of the family

Uncle Tyler- the soon to be dad1

Aunt Arielle & Aunt Lexi love you Gage!

I can't wait for this little boy to make his appearance any day now. I know he will have a lot of aunts and uncles in his life who love him, and I'm so grateful I get to be one even if it's not "blood" ;)