running (through my mind)

fair warning this is all about running- so get out all of your "I only run if chased, I only run for wine, I only run to donuts" etc. ;)

run spelled backwards is "nur"- that's a nur for me. okay NOW we got em all out? ;)

sooo I did it- my first resolution checked off- I ran my first half marathon Sunday! yes, I wrote first, because I definitely plan to do it again someday.

I shared this in the accountability group I'm part of on Facebook (thanks to Brooke!) but I typically give up on things when they get hard for me- I had never run more than 5 miles in my life when I decided to run the Glass City Half Marathon. and that was years ago. running is 90% mental for me- my body is physically capable of it, but I often spend most of my run arguing with myself- "I can't do this anymore, I'm quitting- you're fine! you're moving! you're not in pain, keep going!" so for me this was a mental challenge almost as much as a physical one. I actually really loved the struggle and accomplishment every long run brought about, and the chance to listen to podcasts and not have so many thoughts constantly weighing on my mind for a couple hours every week.

the day before the half I was a ball of nerves. I spent tons of time Googling how to dress for the weather, what to eat, what to do to prepare (I had even already clipped my toenails before reading that article, win!), how to not be so nervous- truly that was the worst part of the whole experience, the nerves. when race morning came, freezing cold, I was so ready to just run it all off! it was exciting to be around so many people who shared the same nerves and drive- it was not so exciting to walk the first few minutes of the race until we finally reached the start line but that's what 6,000 people in a small space will do.

I felt great (until mile 7 at least- then I had to walk a bit too) and was so glad I spent weeks training, especially when lots of people started walking before mile 1- which was a huge surprise to me! I loved watching all of the volunteers and spectators with their signs, it truly made the time go by more quickly- and yes, as my favorite sign said, if Brittany survived 2007 I could definitely survive 13.1 miles ;) I tried to save some energy till mile 12 which surprisingly happened and I sprinted the final mile, sped past several people right at the end, and crossed the finish line...to no one.

DON'T get me wrong- I have wonderful, supportive family and friends- thanks Mom and Dad (and Martha) for watching Bee while I trained for several weeks, for watching her while I woke up at 4:30AM for the race, and the cheers from them along with Jaclyn & Dylan via the RaceJoy app were what got me through the last few miles for sure- but the joy I felt finishing was definitely diminished by being alone. I guess it makes sense to end that way since I trained solo and am a very independent person, but it was still an odd feeling.

onward and upward! the half may be over, but my sights are now on a personal record finish time for a 5K- the Kip Boulis on Memorial Day! I am not thrilled with an average mile pace of 12:23ish for the half, so I'm now focusing on speedwork and a sub-30 5K is the goal. I get that not everyone is a runner or has any desire to be, but I'm loving this stage of life and the ability to do this while I can!

resolve

for being a type A, deadline oriented, organized person, I'm not usually one for New Year's Resolutions. this year I decided to be different. I have a few set goals, or resolutions, that I want to accomplish, and several more things I just want to be "better" at.

1. read the Bible in a year

since I've definitely never finished reading all of the Bible, I want this to be a priority and look forward to diving in. it frustrates me sometimes that I can be "good" at other things in life and accomplish them, but I lack discipline in this important area!

2. run a half marathon

I actually love running when I dedicate the time to it. 2 years ago, I was running 4-5 miles straight which took forever for me to accomplish. I'm setting a plan to train for a half marathon to have real motivation to continue working out regularly for a specific purpose!

3. spend time daily laughing with Bee

it's measurable for me :) this little girl is so happy, and the time we had together over Christmas and New Year's that I took off work has been so sweet to be with her all day (while also teaching me I don't have the fortitude to be a full-time stay-at-home mom). I want to make sure I'm purposeful with her everyday focusing on the funny things, and engaging her playful side. I also hope this keeps me from focusing on my phone and focusing more on her- she deserves my undivided attention, and I never want to be an addict to a device.

4. cook more.

not super specific, but I'm an adequate cook who can follow recipes, I just am bored of doing the same few things over and over. since Bee really needs to start eating a wide variety of foods, I also want to make sure I'm eating healthy as an example for her and so she has a variety of good foods to learn to enjoy.

5. just. be. nice.

this will probably be the hardest one for me. I'm not, by nature, a smiley or "happy" person (although I'm a huge optimist, so how?!) I'm pretty tired of having "drama" at my work, since we're all adults and I love my career so interpersonal relationships should be the least of my worries while on the clock. maybe some of this can be changed by me just being "nicer". I also am very black and white which translates well in my mind, but I see how it doesn't come out with the kindness I intend most of the time. time to up my emotional intelligence!


this is what I have- for now! I wanted a combination of achievable, tangible goals but also subtle shifts in my lifestyle. I'm looking forward to staying with a plan and not giving up. 2017 was an amazing, life-changing year, and I look forward to 2018 being another year of learning and growth!

somebody remind me of this someday

baby girl is napping next to me on the couch, there's a little breeze through the house, and overall it's a quiet Sunday afternoon.

I should appreciate this, and I'm definitely trying to. I know the many ways life could be worse, and I'm trying to count my blessings- but lately the wistfulness is hard to keep at bay.

watching couples unload their kids from the car, dads carrying diaper bags, weekends full of plans because you always have someone to do something with.

so somebody remind me of this someday.

someday, I'm praying, I will be in those shoes. I see people who are overwhelmed with their family and their husbands' family both having get-togethers and I'm jealous. my family doesn't have frequent get-togethers, and it's been years since I've had to deal with another person's family's plans too. someday, I will have help getting kids into the car and will go to the bathroom on my own. I won't have to do it all on my own, even though I know I'm capable of it.

someday, too, I will have older kids who throw tantrums in public, who want to choose their own clothes instead of my precisely matching outfits, and my house will probably be a little dirty at times. I may be stressed by multiple people's schedules requiring juggling of time. so please remind me of m life right now. I may have to say no to social engagements when it would be too much for my kids or husband or our overall schedule.

quiet. stress-free. getting to dress my girl in whatever I feel like. having no one to hang out with on Friday nights, Saturdays, or Sundays because everyone else has their own families and plans. getting to decide last-minute to go to the Farmer's Market and buy fresh flowers because Bee is easy to take places. lonely. happy. wistful.

this is life right now, both the good and the bad. I just hope to keep enough insight in my life to remember this, and to embrace each stage of life for what it is- and maybe invite the lonely girl to spend time with my someday family- someday.

to be human is to love

Bee's mom asked me to take pictures of her in this tutu for her- I happily obliged :)

I love blogging because it gives me a look into my thoughts at a specific time in my life, and I enjoy reflecting on these months and years later. this has been especially true from the time of my last post until now.

thanks to one of my besties for giving me the heads up about Sia's "To Be Human" from the new Wonder Woman movie- I love all Sia songs and kept listening to this one this past week, enjoying the music but also really loving the line in the chorus- "to be human is to love, even when it gets too much, I'm not ready to give up". I've been learning a lot about love these past few months with my latest foster placement, Bee. when she first came to me it was hard not to compare her to Baby A, and I wasn't sure how I would ever love a baby the same way. all I can say is- God worked so well in my heart. I love her unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and unashamedly.

this also means that I keep in mind she could go home. I'm guilty of attaching hard to people, relationships, and Bee is no exception but now I know how much babies need that, and I feel blessed that God made me so loving and has placed her (and Baby A for a time) in my life to give them that strong bond. however, if Bee is ever in a position where it is safe and healthy for her to go home, I'm going to know that I did what she needed and she is going where God wants her.

"even when it gets too much"- even when we're both sick, when my workload feels like it will never slow down or catch up, when I have issues in my personal life to deal with- I'm here loving her, giving her the best that I can, and she is doing SO well. I know it's not a coincidence that this baby is thriving, smiles constantly, laughs, cooes, sleeps through the night. it's love helping her feel attached and safe, so she can grow.

since I became a foster parent, a huge concern of mine is that it's "taken over" my life. I stress about what I post on social media, are people going to think I have no life besides Bee, is it annoying that it's all I post about- the list goes on and on. but at the end of the day, I'm relaxing here on my porch with the breeze blowing over me writing this post while Bee kicks her piano exercise mat, and I feel proud and unashamed of the direction my life has taken. I'm Lexi- I love God and am loved by Him, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, a friend to many and a best friend to a few wonderful people, a hard worker, a good employee, a coffee drinker and cookie eater, a semi-committed gym-goer, a (primarily only at home) singer, a college graduate, a Netflix addict- and I'm also a foster parent while doing all of these things. I won't give up on any of these things.

the second time around

it's been 2 months since I kissed Baby A one last time and handed her off to her case worker. 

sometimes, 2 months feels like nothing. in this case, it feels like an eternity.

a week after I said goodbye, I told my case worker I had waited long enough and wanted to be put "back on the list" to accept placements. and then I waited for a call- for 27 days. 

in that time, I re-decorated my living room, built some furniture, helped my best friends move into their new home, worked long hours, joined a gym and started working out 6 days a week, went out to dinners with friends, and slept through the night every. single. night.

Monday morning March 13th, I received an e-mail first thing in the morning from my case worker- "heads up- I put your name in for a baby who needs a home today so you may get a call". 3 hours later, I did. taking a newborn placement means calling the pediatrician to get in within a week, contacting daycare, scheduling a WIC appt., scheduling 2 case worker visits the first week, going to Meijer to make sure I have diapers and formula, and most importantly calling my parents to make sure they can help out. and only having one day off of work to get to know this baby before it's back to business as usual.

I felt like I was so prepared, so on top of things, so ready for this baby. she would never take the place of Baby A in my heart, but I was itching to be a foster mom again and wanted desperately to give a baby the love they so deserve. but the second time around, it was different. 

I didn't get to walk into the hospital nursery, see that sweet burrito of a baby sleeping, and carefully get her into the carseat I brought with me to go home. instead, a case worker dropped off a baby to my house who cried immediately when she opened her eyes, and I got to hold her for an hour before heading off to work for the evening. instead of smelling her sweet head, I was thinking about the baby clothes I needed to wash, the diaper bag I needed to pack for appointments the next day, and the fact that my last full night of sleep for some time had come and gone without me knowing.

it wasn't until a couple days later that I realized why it felt so different. I was different. I was guarded, protecting my heart without meaning to, knowing now that this sweet baby isn't "mine", and could be gone from my home before she even got into daycare. I was sad, looking at this adorable newborn who was not the first baby to have a piece of my heart, seeing all the ways she was different. I wondered if parents felt this way- that even though you don't love any of your children "more" than the other, you love them differently.

but- thankfully- God heals and works in ways I didn't even know how to ask for. I'm thrilled to say that the adjustment time was not that lengthy, and 4 weeks into this placement I love Bee wholeheartedly. she is so full of personality, beauty, and smiles (when she's not mean mugging). the second time around, I felt so much more prepared for the details of this life change- I just wasn't capable of preparing myself for the emotional shift. 

a picture an hour

weeks ago, before I knew my life would be changing again very quickly, I took a picture every (waking) hour for a day. a typical Friday, just to document what life was like. I'm grateful to remember and be reminded how much life changes and how much I've been given.

6AM hour- wake up time! I am learning to wake up before baby does so I can get everything ready to go and then just get her dressed then off to daycare!

7AM hour- driving to work. downtown Toledo traffic 

8AM hour- mmm mini muffins

9AM hour- my first Scholastic order form! Baby's daycare class is ordering

10AM hour- some office time, and my winter desk set-up

11AM hour- driving to a visit

12PM hour- lunch of champions in the car

1PM hour- selfies while waiting for my coworkers to arrive at a client's house- neighbor caught me taking this as I creepily waited. parking for home visits is hard, because if you park in their driveway they know you're there so you have to go in immediately. instead I parked down the street and got neighbor frowns.

2PM hour- back to the office and documenting.

3PM hour- my first (!) time working out at the gym since bringing home Baby A! just isn't a priority when there's snuggling to do but I'm trying to balance it all.

4PM hour- my favorite part of the day is pick-up time!  the minutes always drags on my drive to get Baby A- I can't wait to see her sweet face!

5PM hour- after a quick stop at the library, my weekend watchlist! thanks library mafia friends.

6PM hour- delicious leftover chicken & rice soup. my church family has been making me some meals which helps a ton because cooking is nearly impossible after working all day.

7PM hour- after grabbing food, washing my face and getting in PJ's, this is how every night looks. I love our time together, feeling her breathe so peacefully and relax, knowing she's home.

cupcakes, cuddles & crying

Merry day after Christmas! I love the snow melting and seeing all my grass again even if it comes with rain :) Baby A and I are enjoying a day sleeping on the couch with movies.

yep- that's right. one short month ago I was writing about waiting and how slowly the process was going and how it felt like I would never have a placement, and now there's a baby sleeping on my chest while I write this. a few short weeks ago- just seconds after I put cupcakes in the oven for my best friends's birthday- I got the call to come pick up my first placement from the hospital.

life with a newborn has been fun! sweet, emotional, hard, sleep deprived- but so well worth it. I have to say that I honestly thought sleep would be much more difficult and she usually sleeps like a champ. she is healthy, happy and the biggest snuggle bug in the world- so much so that she wants to be held while she's awake and sleeping and while I eat, pee, cook, clean, etc. my work has been flexible and my family has been great watching her so she could stay at home away from daycare germs until she's a bit bigger.

there are 2 frequent conversations I've been having so I wanted to address those quickly.
1. I don't know how you do it, I would get too attached!
I am. I am 100% attached. I love this little girl so much. she's met so many people who also already love her tons. you have to be attached- would you want your child staying with someone who kept them at an arm's length if you couldn't be with them? the challenge is being emotionally stable enough to know how to say goodbye when it's needed. which leads to-
2. how long will you have her?
nobody knows. it could be 2 weeks or 2 years. I'm open to whatever length of time.

ironically, I've been getting ready to publish this for a few days but the holidays kept me busy baking and celebrating- and last night the first real rough spot hit. after a day full of Christmas, Little Miss ate- and wanted to eat again- and again- and again- and then stayed awake for over 3 hours till early in the morning. nothing would get her to sleep, and in the meantime I'm sleep deprived, overwhelmed and had an unsettled stomach (because chronic digestive problems yay). it hit full force then that I'm alone- I have a wonderful support system of family and friends who help SO much- but at 1AM, I'm alone. I know what I signed up for and I don't regret a second of this journey, but I definitely will continue to need my amazing community alongside me throughout it all!

I hope to not forget this newborn stage- both the negative with some sleep issues and worrying about her health, and the huge positives of all the sweet, sweet cuddles, no crying, and basic needs fulfillment. I treasure your thoughts and prayers as we continue Baby A's  story!