I still feel the loss of two people I loved. like a breakup but almost worse to me because unlike dating where you end things because you're not mutually compatible and (at least in my case) you can't stand each other anymore, when a friendship ends it doesn't mean I stop caring about that person.
I don't.
I didn't.
I wonder about their life. what they do for fun. who they share secrets with. if they're really happy. these things are useless to wonder but I do it all the same.
it makes me cherish the people who have stayed in my life even more.
can I just confess the dirty secret about my best friendship? okay I will.
there was a point in time about 3 years ago. I was dating a jerk who was awful to me but yet I still was about to move to be with him. one fateful night in August 2011 my first best friend, my sweet Courtney, came up to me crying at Vacation Bible School. she told me she missed me. see, for over a year at that point, I had been the friend who 'broke up' with my best friends. I turned my back on what everyone was saying and what everyone else saw and I left. I chose my boyfriend over my best friends, one of 3 years and one I'd known since birth. I had a guy who loved me and I couldn't care less about the rest. but Courtney swallowed her pride and anger at me and hugged me while I tried not to cry and told her I missed her too (and also asked why her new boyfriend was wearing a shirt with birds on it. I mean, really? PS love you Ty.)
fast forward 4 months. I hadn't had much contact with my old best friends still but I was missing them more. my then boyfriend kept reminding me how much I didn't like them and how mean they were to me. still, I wanted that friendship back. so I went along to a birthday dinner and found out how much I'd been missing out. slowly but steadily I started spending more time with Courtney and Arielle again (although I have since found out Arielle wanted no part in this. those who know how warm and fuzzy Arielle's disposition is will have a hard time believing this I know).
then came the pivotal moment- the moment where I actually thought to myself- 'I'm moving in a couple months. is it really worth it to become friends with these girls again when I'll just be leaving soon?' dear Jesus, thank you for overcoming my stupidity. I say it all the time but I seriously can't imagine what life would look like if I had turned my back on those girls then.
those girls met me for a walk 3 days after my 3 year relationship ended. they listened while I cried. even though they hated the guts of this guy they listened. and kept listening. they still listen to this day when I lament over the loss of those years of my life ;)
so I guess what I'm thinking of as I write these two very different thought processes out, of friendships lost and my best friendship regained, is what will happen in the future. I miss my lost girls. there's a part of me that's angry at them, but I mostly am just sad not knowing them anymore.
there's a reason I cherish my best friends. it's because I walked away and they let me come back.
