ahh, Wednesdays. the work week is half over, weekly trivia night is tonight, and most importantly- I get to breathe tonight.
months ago my mom lovingly made the offer to take Brooklyn home with them after trivia- for them to put her to bed, then watch her all day on Thursdays. the reasoning for this would be threefold- 1. they would get a special "Brooklyn day" set aside that wasn't just babysitting so I could run errands, but was their day to be grandparents/ aunt/ uncles with her, 2. so I had one less day of daycare to pay for each week, because as a single mom my budget is tight, and 3. so I could have time to do things I needed to (ehh) and mostly get to be alone for a couple of hours!
I know they aren't required to help out this much, but I'm incredibly grateful that they do. I think the reason I love Wednesdays so much is the break I get from parenting- even if it's just going to bed right after trivia without having to spend an hour or two trying to put Brooklyn to sleep- is a break and the chance I get to breathe each week. one of the biggest parts of parenting I wasn't aware of was the constant feeling of being "on" and responsible, literally, for someone's LIFE. I am grateful daily for Brooklyn's in-home daycare provider who has known me and my family since wayyy before I was born, and I trust her so much because of the great care that she gives that I don't worry about Brooklyn while she's in her care. but when B is there, I'm still working, still "on", still responsible for many things. on Wednesday nights at 9:05 when I pull out of the Ralphie's parking lot, I am responsible for ME and no one else.
I sometimes stop for ice cream, sometimes run to Target for an errand, most of the time drive straight home and lay on the couch in silence. I immediately miss Brooklyn's energy filling up our home, but that goes away when I get to fall asleep knowing I won't have any middle of the night trips to her bed to comfort her or the morning awakening of little feet pattering into my room along with- "Mama, can you turn the light on please? move the blanket so I can eat my bar. I want to watch TV downstairs (she means upstairs)." most Wednesday nights I'm asleep before 10 and feel as if I've "wasted" my alone time. most Thursday mornings I'm scrambling to get to work on time which is ridiculous to me because I should have all the time in the world getting only myself ready!
no matter the use of my time, each week I mostly just feel relief and ready to parent again. the weeks I don't have that break, I struggle. I hope to not sound bitter or repetitive- but I do it all on my own, 6 1/2 days a week, and it's tiring. it's not any easier because I "chose" to be a single parent- I chose to foster and then adopt on my own, true, but I still hope for God to provide me a partner, so in this waiting I am sad and struggle with wondering how long and if it will be always that I do this alone.
nevertheless- Wednesdays. you are my light of the week. I know Brooklyn loves her time at Papa and Giggy's (with her primary caregiver, Martha ;) ) and I love being able to breathe.
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Friday, September 13, 2019
& I can’t even eat chocolate.
It’s been a month filled with lots of changes, mostly all awesome, and I mostly don’t know how to capture it all except in a blog. Many people knew that my job had been a source of unhappiness for months and I was longing to be back in Early Intervention, making a difference in any small way I can doing work I’m passionate about. 10 months and 9 interviews later, I’m finally home! Back in Lucas County working in EI.
The week before I started the new job, I took a week to get house projects done and spend time with B before our new normal began. I chose to get rid of her pacifier that week as well. She’s been doing great not asking for it and sleeps pretty well- however, she now only sleeps the exact same hours I need to. 9:30/10 ish to 6:15. I literally don’t get a moment at home to myself anymore. Since I took away paci, B is also really rattled trying to get to sleep each night and she wants to suck on the stuffed animal body that remains of her pacifier (chicken). Tonight the smell of said stuffed animal was so awful even after washing it for the 70th time, I threw it away when she wasn’t looking. Bedtime was tough. I’m ordering magnesium gummies on Amazon as I type.
One of the house projects I was working on was finishing organizing the guest bedroom- it’s fully set up now with the crib and changing table in addition to my guest bed in there, and the biggest part of me is so ready to take another foster placement and be a loving parent to a child who needs a safe place to live. Buttttttt the part that makes the rational decisions is so frustrated already by B’s sleep habits (I have to lay with her until she falls asleep), and God knows how I’d manage bedtime with a baby and a toddler. I know people do (Laura and Rachel are not real humans they’re loving robots I’m convinced of it). But I don’t know that I can. So for now I keep replying to my case worker’s emails asking if I can take a placement- ‘Not yet. Maybe by Thanksgiving. Just not yet.’
When B finally goes to sleep each night and I rouse myself out of her bed, I enjoy having a few minutes to watch TV and eat some ice cream or a cookie (5). It’s the only time each day I’m not working or keeping a 2 year-old alive. However, about 2 months ago I bit down on a Skittle (how dare you, Skittles) and cracked an old filling I had, causing pain every time I had crunchy, cold or hot foods or used a straw. During my week off I finally had my dentist appt. and they found I’d cracked a piece of my tooth under the filling and it was lodged in my gun- that was causing the pain- so they hoped. A million dollars and lots of pain later, I was sent on my way. Only to have the pain not go away- and now I have the same pains on the opposite side of my mouth- and the biggest kicker of all is now sugar is the worst to eat and hurts the worst on both sides. I can’t even enjoy chocolate! Sensitive toothpaste has so far not helped so we’ll wait for some dental insurance to kick in and hopefully have a fix for it eventually.
I know I’ll be laughing about all of this someday, right? At least now I can’t wait for work on a Mondays again :)
The week before I started the new job, I took a week to get house projects done and spend time with B before our new normal began. I chose to get rid of her pacifier that week as well. She’s been doing great not asking for it and sleeps pretty well- however, she now only sleeps the exact same hours I need to. 9:30/10 ish to 6:15. I literally don’t get a moment at home to myself anymore. Since I took away paci, B is also really rattled trying to get to sleep each night and she wants to suck on the stuffed animal body that remains of her pacifier (chicken). Tonight the smell of said stuffed animal was so awful even after washing it for the 70th time, I threw it away when she wasn’t looking. Bedtime was tough. I’m ordering magnesium gummies on Amazon as I type.
One of the house projects I was working on was finishing organizing the guest bedroom- it’s fully set up now with the crib and changing table in addition to my guest bed in there, and the biggest part of me is so ready to take another foster placement and be a loving parent to a child who needs a safe place to live. Buttttttt the part that makes the rational decisions is so frustrated already by B’s sleep habits (I have to lay with her until she falls asleep), and God knows how I’d manage bedtime with a baby and a toddler. I know people do (Laura and Rachel are not real humans they’re loving robots I’m convinced of it). But I don’t know that I can. So for now I keep replying to my case worker’s emails asking if I can take a placement- ‘Not yet. Maybe by Thanksgiving. Just not yet.’
When B finally goes to sleep each night and I rouse myself out of her bed, I enjoy having a few minutes to watch TV and eat some ice cream or a cookie (5). It’s the only time each day I’m not working or keeping a 2 year-old alive. However, about 2 months ago I bit down on a Skittle (how dare you, Skittles) and cracked an old filling I had, causing pain every time I had crunchy, cold or hot foods or used a straw. During my week off I finally had my dentist appt. and they found I’d cracked a piece of my tooth under the filling and it was lodged in my gun- that was causing the pain- so they hoped. A million dollars and lots of pain later, I was sent on my way. Only to have the pain not go away- and now I have the same pains on the opposite side of my mouth- and the biggest kicker of all is now sugar is the worst to eat and hurts the worst on both sides. I can’t even enjoy chocolate! Sensitive toothpaste has so far not helped so we’ll wait for some dental insurance to kick in and hopefully have a fix for it eventually.
I know I’ll be laughing about all of this someday, right? At least now I can’t wait for work on a Mondays again :)
Mid evening bike ride
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