music as you read
I started attending a young adult group at CedarCreek about five months ago. it was the kick I needed to stop living with just my head knowledge of God and my faith and start really living it out again. I started out feeling jealous of others in the group who have had a crisis that drew them to God and allowed them to have this "wow" moment where God showed up in their life. I've been a Christian since I was 5 years old- there hasn't been a "wow", in my mind, at any time in those years.
God shows up in big ways when you let Him.
my "wow" is not one big event. it's been a series of reminders and lessons that keep flooding in since I started actively pursuing God again. it's seeing other people go through the EXACT situations I've been through and being able to be there and encourage them (hopefully) and love on them. it's realizing my OCD- type A self had to let go of my "plan" and be open to God's perfect one.
the biggest lesson I'm learning is how to love. so thanks Lil' Wayne for some help with this.
you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever.
the first time someone told me they loved me, romantically, I was 14 years old. I felt my heart literally fill everytime I heard those precious words. I was important, someone's, loved. I also felt the horrific crush of your feelings when that "love" was ripped away from me. I now see how messed up that situation was- I see my 15 and 16 year-old brothers and am so grateful they haven't experienced that yet and I pray my 11 year-old sister continues to stay away from boys :)
after that first failed relationshp, I quickly gave my "love" to everyone who wanted it. I was always the first to say those words, which makes me shudder now as I never understood their weight- I'm still working on that even now.
you had a lot of crooks try and steal your heart, never really had love couldn't ever figure out-
by that time the only love I felt was from men. I know my parents love me and always have, but I was too stubborn to feel it as I had hurt them and pulled away too many times. I had friends but our friendships were always up and down, and sometimes only existed out of convenience. the only time I ever felt loved was when a guy told me those words- their opinion was the only one that mattered.
by the time my last relationship ended I was thoroughly devastated. nothing prepares you for the emptiness you feel when someone who was a part of your life for 3 years severs your ties in one fell swoop (I've felt similar pain about friendships as you know from this post).
almost 3 years later and I was finally happy- but not fulfilled. I still felt alone. I still craved being around my friends because the emptiness went away with laughter. when I look back on all those feelings of loneliness and sadness, I see so clearly how God needed me to be empty so I can be filled.
I can still remember being 14 years old, telling my parents "he told me he doesn't love me anymore", and being told "if he could stop loving you like that, he never loved you". brutal for my teenaged self- but true. at 24 I'm still learning everyday, but I know now it wasn't love. I've never been loved like God means for me to be. rather than feeling crushed by that, it excites me knowing how much love He has in store for me- first His, to fill and complete the emptiness I've always had, then the added blessing of the husband He's working in and on the same way He's working in me right now.
that's my "wow".
how to love
