single white female. seeks single *any ethnicity* male. for long talks to quickly figure out if it's something worth pursuing because I AM OLD.
I remember looking through the personal ads at my grandma's house in the newspaper when I realized that they were. I tried to figure out what the acronyms meant and marveled at the "missed connections" section, wondering how people would ever know if they were the person in the produce aisle you smiled at a week ago.
lately, I've been thinking more and more about this whole single life I've lived for most of my adult years now. as a mom now, it adds a whole other layer to dating which I'm well aware of and know I made the choice to become- but it doesn't meant I don't want or deserve a partner nonetheless!
as a woman, a thought in my mind all the time is I want someone to pursue me. I want someone to take interest, make an effort, and go out of their way to let me know they're interested in me. as a woman in 2018, I fear this is never going to happen. many of my friends have also made it clear they would not be married now if they had waited for this to happen ;) but, I have a bold personality type and take charge in most situations and dream of being able to not have to take charge in this one (albeit major) role.
I've tried online dating. I'm not a huge fan. I have actually gone on a couple of dates in the last year and they were perfectly nice and for one reason or several never went anywhere. however, for someone in a female dominated field who often spends the most time with her couch at the end of a long work day and not out in the world, online dating makes sense. the pool of men on online, however, leaves much wanting. I kept thinking, if one more guy posts a shirtless mirror selfie or a picture of him holding a fish, I'm deleting my account. it happened. I deleted my account.
so here I sit. in a position I didn't "choose" to be in (single) but nonetheless have remained in for years. so much so that most of my friends only know of me in this way. so much so that people don't even ask anymore about it because it's always the same. so much so that I've now created my realistic personal ad.
I'm looking for someone who is honest, loves God, works hard, has good teeth, takes care of themselves physically, is taller than me, wants children (duh), doesn't smoke or do drugs, only responsibly drinks, and will go to the park to play and leave the chores at home for later. I'm ready to listen to someone's troubles and care and remember details about their life and check in to see how they are. to get to know someone's family and see all the connections they've built and see the kaleidoscope of what they mean to other people and how their life has impacted them. I want to lay on my sectional lazily watching Netflix with the captions on- with someone. I want to run errands and leave my daughter in the car while I pick up pizza because there's someone I trust in the car with her. I want someone to tag me out and say "you look tired- I'm doing the dishes tonight" or taking a turn having Bee label body parts on them so I can breathe and not be touched constantly. I want to notice new gray hairs in someone or when they gain 5 pounds over the holidays and reassure them it doesn't change a relationship or who they are as a person. I want to travel to Greece and New York City and Mexico and explore with someone I care deeply enough about to make it worth leaving my daughter for these trips. I want to have matching family Halloween costumes. I want to have a strong male figure in Bee's life that will hopefully, someday, eventually, be somebody she can call Daddy. I want someone to put their hand in my back pocket like Peter Kavinsky (TATBILB always). I want to love, and be loved.
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Saturday, October 6, 2018
the 12 month box
last night I had my parents take Bee for a sleepover. it's been a long week at work, allergies are getting me down, I'm not sleeping well, and she's always on the go- I needed a break. my mom is much more of an emotional person than I am and when I asked if they would watch her she said I should spend my time alone essentially, having a good cry. I am not a crier at all, and responded that I really just wanted to go to the bathroom alone and get to sleep in.
I laid around on the couch for a couple hours and then found myself cleaning until 12:30AM. the main thing I wanted to take care of was putting away all of her 12 month clothes, along with putting her bottles and extra pacifiers in storage. yep- after almost 19 months, my baby had her last bottle on Wednesday. she's been on Nutramigen (a fairly expensive formula) and then on Nutramigen Toddler the past few months due to a milk sensitivity and slow weight gain, so the doctors wanted her to stay on it until 18 months for the extra calories. we were running out and I could sense it was more of a habit than a need for her anyways, so I did a slow wean and then the next morning when she woke up asking for "bottle" immediately as she always does, I said "(soy) milk instead!" and she was fine with it.
putting away those bottles was sad. I loved snuggling with her feeding her- even up until the end it was a sure way to get her to sit still and cuddle into my arms. I love meeting her needs and knowing she feels safe in our home and that she'll always have love and food here. wouldn't you know it, I did cry packing away those bottles.
what was sadder though, and even harder, was packing up the 12 month box.
Bee has been in 12 month clothes since right around her 1st birthday. it's been almost 7 months, and she's finally grown enough to fit into (most of) her 18 month clothes. packing away her smaller clothes reminded me how hard I fought with doctors, how many times I asked "why won't she eat?" only to be given no answers, how many times I have been told "she's so small!" that it's now my follow-up mantra when people ask how old she is..."19 months and YES she's tiny". her weight is finally at 20 pounds, although her height isn't quite as fast to increase and she's now in the 1st percentile for her age in this.
but beyond the size issue, packing up the 12 month box packed up memories. when she started wearing these clothes, I had finally just started having all the hope for our future I felt I never could before. some of these outfits were bought by my friends when I started fostering- outfits my first placement never got to wear that I didn't know at first if I would have Bee long enough to see her in them! outfits I don't know if I'll ever see on a baby again- because that would mean I'd either be fostering again, or having my own children, and neither of those looks like part of my imminent future.
some day, in the future, I'd love to capture this entire process. to tell you what it feels like to be someone's Mama, but to have to answer that you're the "foster mom". to spell her last name a million times at appointments and cry the first time you see it typed up with your last name. to get your hope up that this time the paperwork and the process will work quickly, only to find out it won't.
the 12 month clothes are packed up now. the bottles are put away. I have been her mama her whole life, and eventually I'll get to introduce you officially to my daughter- hopefully before the 18 month box is packed up too.
I laid around on the couch for a couple hours and then found myself cleaning until 12:30AM. the main thing I wanted to take care of was putting away all of her 12 month clothes, along with putting her bottles and extra pacifiers in storage. yep- after almost 19 months, my baby had her last bottle on Wednesday. she's been on Nutramigen (a fairly expensive formula) and then on Nutramigen Toddler the past few months due to a milk sensitivity and slow weight gain, so the doctors wanted her to stay on it until 18 months for the extra calories. we were running out and I could sense it was more of a habit than a need for her anyways, so I did a slow wean and then the next morning when she woke up asking for "bottle" immediately as she always does, I said "(soy) milk instead!" and she was fine with it.
putting away those bottles was sad. I loved snuggling with her feeding her- even up until the end it was a sure way to get her to sit still and cuddle into my arms. I love meeting her needs and knowing she feels safe in our home and that she'll always have love and food here. wouldn't you know it, I did cry packing away those bottles.what was sadder though, and even harder, was packing up the 12 month box.
Bee has been in 12 month clothes since right around her 1st birthday. it's been almost 7 months, and she's finally grown enough to fit into (most of) her 18 month clothes. packing away her smaller clothes reminded me how hard I fought with doctors, how many times I asked "why won't she eat?" only to be given no answers, how many times I have been told "she's so small!" that it's now my follow-up mantra when people ask how old she is..."19 months and YES she's tiny". her weight is finally at 20 pounds, although her height isn't quite as fast to increase and she's now in the 1st percentile for her age in this.
but beyond the size issue, packing up the 12 month box packed up memories. when she started wearing these clothes, I had finally just started having all the hope for our future I felt I never could before. some of these outfits were bought by my friends when I started fostering- outfits my first placement never got to wear that I didn't know at first if I would have Bee long enough to see her in them! outfits I don't know if I'll ever see on a baby again- because that would mean I'd either be fostering again, or having my own children, and neither of those looks like part of my imminent future.
some day, in the future, I'd love to capture this entire process. to tell you what it feels like to be someone's Mama, but to have to answer that you're the "foster mom". to spell her last name a million times at appointments and cry the first time you see it typed up with your last name. to get your hope up that this time the paperwork and the process will work quickly, only to find out it won't.
the 12 month clothes are packed up now. the bottles are put away. I have been her mama her whole life, and eventually I'll get to introduce you officially to my daughter- hopefully before the 18 month box is packed up too.Monday, September 24, 2018
sometimes self-care is a shower
it's 9:45PM and I just ate dinner. leftover mac & cheese, the meal of champions. I've had "a day" and need to get it out, if only to capture a minute in time and recognize it's not forever.
this week at my job(s) I have-
42 hours of work
14 home visits (to then somehow case note on top of last week's visits...)
3 meetings
1 training
and then at home I have-
three personal appointments, a friend's birthday to (happily!) celebrate, weekly trivia night with the family, making goodbye goodies for the daycare teachers, and also making dinner for my child every night by 5:30 or she starves to death (by her screams that's what I assume will happen).
I say all this not to be "woe is me" (because my life is awesome, and I know it!).
I say all this not to compare, because I'm aware other people "have it worse"- work more, get less sleep, have more kids, etc.
I say this because I've come to realize that I equate taking a shower with hard work.
as in, I plan my shower schedule around my work-outs. for when I've gotten really sweaty and pushed myself hard and then "deserve" to have a shower afterwards because I worked for it. recently, though, I've been working out less and less (because see above), and at the end of the day I feel like I don't deserve to shower because yet again, I've done too much in the day and had too much going on to want to work out.
how messed up is this?! I'm only JUST realizing I do this, and have done this for years. mind you, I promise I still shower when I haven't worked out, I'm not that rude to subject people to an unwashed Lexi. but when I haven't gotten a run in or done a cross training video beforehand, I feel like I wasn't good enough to really have earned that shower.
tonight, I just said enough. and I showered, without Brooklyn awake and pulling back the curtain every few seconds, without having worked up a sweat beforehand, without feeling the ache in my muscles from push-ups. it was self-care. it was needed. and I need more of it.
7:15AM getting ready, breakfast for me and Bee and last minute cleaning
8:30AM case worker visit with the state of Ohio representative attending, who did a home inspection and discovered my smoke detectors don't work (which could cost me my foster license if not remedied ASAP with the fire department's approval)
10:30AM first work visit of the day
11:30AM adoption presentation at children's services, where I brought the scrapbook that took me a weekend of putting together 18 months of pictures that they asked me to bring and then never looked at
1PM case noting and replying to all the e-mails while eating lunch in a parking lot between visits
2:15PM attending a speech therapy evaluation for the second work visit of the day
3:15PM called the adoption lawyer while driving to the next visit and found out they LOST my paperwork I filed in March, to petition the courts
3:30PM running into the new pediatrician's office to sign a release so Bee's medical records can be moved
4PM third work visit of the day
5:30PM case noting visits/ e-mails/ Face Timing Bee
6:15PM working other (evening) job
8:30PM home to play with Bee, give her meds, and relieve my mom of babysitting duty
9:15PM S H O W E R .
my 15 minutes of just me. no thoughts (ish) or to-do lists. just me, trying to reframe my perspective and priorities and say it's okay to not do it all, and it's still okay to shower.
thanks for sticking with these weird thoughts tonight :)
this week at my job(s) I have-
42 hours of work
14 home visits (to then somehow case note on top of last week's visits...)
3 meetings
1 training
and then at home I have-
three personal appointments, a friend's birthday to (happily!) celebrate, weekly trivia night with the family, making goodbye goodies for the daycare teachers, and also making dinner for my child every night by 5:30 or she starves to death (by her screams that's what I assume will happen).
I say all this not to be "woe is me" (because my life is awesome, and I know it!).
I say all this not to compare, because I'm aware other people "have it worse"- work more, get less sleep, have more kids, etc.
I say this because I've come to realize that I equate taking a shower with hard work.
as in, I plan my shower schedule around my work-outs. for when I've gotten really sweaty and pushed myself hard and then "deserve" to have a shower afterwards because I worked for it. recently, though, I've been working out less and less (because see above), and at the end of the day I feel like I don't deserve to shower because yet again, I've done too much in the day and had too much going on to want to work out.
how messed up is this?! I'm only JUST realizing I do this, and have done this for years. mind you, I promise I still shower when I haven't worked out, I'm not that rude to subject people to an unwashed Lexi. but when I haven't gotten a run in or done a cross training video beforehand, I feel like I wasn't good enough to really have earned that shower.
tonight, I just said enough. and I showered, without Brooklyn awake and pulling back the curtain every few seconds, without having worked up a sweat beforehand, without feeling the ache in my muscles from push-ups. it was self-care. it was needed. and I need more of it.
7:15AM getting ready, breakfast for me and Bee and last minute cleaning
8:30AM case worker visit with the state of Ohio representative attending, who did a home inspection and discovered my smoke detectors don't work (which could cost me my foster license if not remedied ASAP with the fire department's approval)
10:30AM first work visit of the day
11:30AM adoption presentation at children's services, where I brought the scrapbook that took me a weekend of putting together 18 months of pictures that they asked me to bring and then never looked at
1PM case noting and replying to all the e-mails while eating lunch in a parking lot between visits
2:15PM attending a speech therapy evaluation for the second work visit of the day
3:15PM called the adoption lawyer while driving to the next visit and found out they LOST my paperwork I filed in March, to petition the courts
3:30PM running into the new pediatrician's office to sign a release so Bee's medical records can be moved
4PM third work visit of the day
5:30PM case noting visits/ e-mails/ Face Timing Bee
6:15PM working other (evening) job
8:30PM home to play with Bee, give her meds, and relieve my mom of babysitting duty
9:15PM S H O W E R .
my 15 minutes of just me. no thoughts (ish) or to-do lists. just me, trying to reframe my perspective and priorities and say it's okay to not do it all, and it's still okay to shower.
thanks for sticking with these weird thoughts tonight :)
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Kalvin & Co.
a week from now, we will be partying it up and dancing the night away after my great friends Jaclyn and Dylan say "they do" in front of everybody who loves them. I (mostly) packed mine and Bee's stuff for the trip tonight, and since I’ve been feeling all the feels about the upcoming celebration and figured words on an internet screen was the best way to get it out.
Jaclyn has been in my life since 2010. she started working at Cracker Barrel as a server with me my freshman year of college, and second year working there personally. we started off as acquaintances who both went to BGSU and worked at the same place, and slowly started hanging out with a group of coworkers more and more. that year there were lots of college parties/ Cracker Barrel parties we went to together along with Twilight movies. that winter, I remember vividly getting a phone call from our mutual friend at CB, Jess, that something had happened- Jaclyn had ended things with her boyfriend, and needed us to be there for her. I drove as fast as I could in the snow to her apartment and we all sat around crying and laughing together. from then on, we were besties.
there were countless meet-ups on campus to get food together, nights I would call and ask to stay at her apartment so I wouldn't have to drive home just to come back 9 hours later, and more movie nights. we took lots of pictures at bars together with sad faces since we were the youngest of our coworkers and always the DD/ sober ones.
that fall of our junior (/senior for me) year, I met Dylan. I had been dating a guy since right before I graduated high school, and he went to the University of Alabama. I had visited him a couple times and had a trip planned to go there in October 2011 to celebrate my 21st birthday there with him. I have few good memories of this time of my life and even fewer good memories of this trip, but I do remember meeting a blonde guy from Florida who smiled a lot. we became Facebook friends and I would chuckle at his "dad jokes" and The Office quotes he would post from time to time. not too much longer after that, my relationship ended and I deleted most reminders (and people) from that time of my life from Facebook.
in the spring of 2012 when I was newly single, I had all the time in the world for girlfriends- Jaclyn was one of my only girlfriends who stuck with me through that awful relationship, even going on double dates with her boyfriend at the time and mine, tolerating his toxic effect on me and still being my friend. she quickly let me be their 3rd wheel whenever possible and always had her eye out for single guys for me. we also worked together not only at Cracker Barrel, but at Classroom Technology Services where I got her a job for the end of our college careers together. needless to say we spent a lot of time together- Jaclyn has always had the best sense of humor, the ability to tell me "no, you're wrong about this" or "absolutely you should feel that way!" and her ability to be my sounding board has been such a gift. our college years were full of gym dates, texts about what kind of pizza we're getting, me seeing people who looked like her, turning 21 together and drinking at dinner just the two of us, photo and video shoots for people we worked with, and always laughter.
by the summer of 2013, our lives were looking quite different from college days. I was working and living in my first big girl apartment on my own, and Jaclyn was starting her Master's program at BGSU. Her trip to London was an exciting topic and just before that, she asked to move in with me because her relationship had just ended. I had an extra bedroom and Jaclyn was still one of my best friends, so it made perfect sense! when our lease ended in January, we had found a house to move to in Bowling Green so Jaclyn could be closer to school, and we would have more space.
this is where our story hit its' climactic part- Lexi's imperfections + Jaclyn's imperfections + living together = a friendship ended. we were younger, I was super passive aggressive and mean, and things came to a head when she was moving to Chicago for the summer for her work and needed to sublet her share of the house. I got a new place to live quickly and we never really said goodbye- we just said mean things to each other.
from the spring of 2014 to the fall of 2016, I missed her.
I saw her family in Meijer from time to time and it was like seeing your ex-boyfriend's family members-I'd turn and hide. I'd hear from my other friends that they saw her and she'd dyed her hair. I'd hear from her aunt who still works at Cracker Barrel that she'd seen her at Thanksgiving.
I'd remind myself of our fights and what I said and what she said and how wrong she was (but also would realize each time how awful I had been). I still had other best friends and they were wonderful (and still are) but I missed her. I was in my friend's wedding in the late summer of 2016 and posted "the last of my best friends is married!" and I still missed her.
I saw sometime in early 2016 that she had started a blog. I saw this because I still stalked her Instagram all the time. I would eagerly await her latest blog posts because I could pretend that I was still a part of her life. and sometime in there, she Facebook messaged me and asked "do you remember that Dylan guy you met in Alabama, Chris' friend?" I did indeed, and we briefly messaged about it.
on her blog, she referred to him as "Mystery Man" ;) and I learned that they had met through her best friend from high school who was working with him in St. Louis, and they met in her favorite city, Chicago, on New Year's Eve. how romantic! I read that they had started a long distance relationship and that not too long in, they got to be much closer when his work took him to Michigan. I also read about her awkward Uber encounters and work trips and laughed and remembered the funny girl I used to call my friend.
months went by, and through a serious of random Facebook messages about what a small world it is how she's dating Dylan, questions about people we used to know, and chatting about life in general, we decided to meet up for an IKEA and sandwiches date. I was thrilled. we met, we hugged, we talked for hours and just like that I got my friend back.
I was in the process of becoming a foster parent and she was SO supportive. even though she now lived an hour away, we planned out trips for me to come visit them and trips they would come see me. they came to meet my first foster baby when she was a week old, and they supported me when she was moved. we went out for dinner together just days before my future daughter was born, when my life felt upside down with the loss of my first baby still so fresh I was in need of a distraction.
just a few weeks later the inevitable happened- Dylan messaged me a picture of the ring. I was SO touched that he thought enough of me and my friendship with Jaclyn (and him!) that he sent that to me. weeks later during their Memorial Day trip I could stop keeping the secret and cheer them on! they met me at my favorite coffee shop for one of our hang-outs and I got asked what I thought I had forever lost out on- being Jaclyn's bridesmaid.
the last year has been filled with Pinterest browsing, wedding dress shopping trips, texts about not loving said wedding dress and reassuring that it's totally fine to buy another dress, pictures sent back and forth, discussions about itineraries, and that's just the wedding part of it! it's also been filled with coffee dates at my house which means the world to me since being a single parent means I treasure people coming to just be with us in our own house sometimes. more sandwich dates. more dinner dates. Christmas celebrations with brunch. even a trip to Florida to meet Dylan's family and introduce Bee to the ocean- a trip they made SO relaxing for us by helping with Bee in every way possible since they knew our recent solo trip was hard on me.
Jaclyn is strong (and strong-willed), independent, super intelligent, a comic, self-starting and self-made, gorgeous.
Dylan is kind, a protector, polite through and through, a hard worker, knows the right thing to say at the right time, and has a great beard.
together- they are an adventuring couple who I live vicariously through as they travel to Las Vegas, Iceland, Colorado, Niagara Falls, and soon GREECE- my freaking dream vacation!!! but in their downtime, they are the most down-to-earth people around. they have shown my Bee the best kind of aunt and uncle imaginable. they support me and spur me on to make changes in my own life. I cannot WAIT to spend our coming weekend celebrating them!
but- I'm also terribly sad. my sweet friend Jaclyn is amazing and was snagged by a great job that requires a move down South. I heard her telling Bee while we were in Florida that she'd be Skyping her lots, and it took all of me not to cry right there. I'm not an overly emotional person, but it is definitely hard to picture not seeing Jaclyn and Dylan every month and I especially wish they could be here when Bee finally gets to be adopted. looks like we'll have to go celebrate it with them by taking a trip there 🍑! we love you J & D!
Jaclyn has been in my life since 2010. she started working at Cracker Barrel as a server with me my freshman year of college, and second year working there personally. we started off as acquaintances who both went to BGSU and worked at the same place, and slowly started hanging out with a group of coworkers more and more. that year there were lots of college parties/ Cracker Barrel parties we went to together along with Twilight movies. that winter, I remember vividly getting a phone call from our mutual friend at CB, Jess, that something had happened- Jaclyn had ended things with her boyfriend, and needed us to be there for her. I drove as fast as I could in the snow to her apartment and we all sat around crying and laughing together. from then on, we were besties.
that fall of our junior (/senior for me) year, I met Dylan. I had been dating a guy since right before I graduated high school, and he went to the University of Alabama. I had visited him a couple times and had a trip planned to go there in October 2011 to celebrate my 21st birthday there with him. I have few good memories of this time of my life and even fewer good memories of this trip, but I do remember meeting a blonde guy from Florida who smiled a lot. we became Facebook friends and I would chuckle at his "dad jokes" and The Office quotes he would post from time to time. not too much longer after that, my relationship ended and I deleted most reminders (and people) from that time of my life from Facebook.
in the spring of 2012 when I was newly single, I had all the time in the world for girlfriends- Jaclyn was one of my only girlfriends who stuck with me through that awful relationship, even going on double dates with her boyfriend at the time and mine, tolerating his toxic effect on me and still being my friend. she quickly let me be their 3rd wheel whenever possible and always had her eye out for single guys for me. we also worked together not only at Cracker Barrel, but at Classroom Technology Services where I got her a job for the end of our college careers together. needless to say we spent a lot of time together- Jaclyn has always had the best sense of humor, the ability to tell me "no, you're wrong about this" or "absolutely you should feel that way!" and her ability to be my sounding board has been such a gift. our college years were full of gym dates, texts about what kind of pizza we're getting, me seeing people who looked like her, turning 21 together and drinking at dinner just the two of us, photo and video shoots for people we worked with, and always laughter.
by the summer of 2013, our lives were looking quite different from college days. I was working and living in my first big girl apartment on my own, and Jaclyn was starting her Master's program at BGSU. Her trip to London was an exciting topic and just before that, she asked to move in with me because her relationship had just ended. I had an extra bedroom and Jaclyn was still one of my best friends, so it made perfect sense! when our lease ended in January, we had found a house to move to in Bowling Green so Jaclyn could be closer to school, and we would have more space.
this is where our story hit its' climactic part- Lexi's imperfections + Jaclyn's imperfections + living together = a friendship ended. we were younger, I was super passive aggressive and mean, and things came to a head when she was moving to Chicago for the summer for her work and needed to sublet her share of the house. I got a new place to live quickly and we never really said goodbye- we just said mean things to each other.
from the spring of 2014 to the fall of 2016, I missed her.
I saw her family in Meijer from time to time and it was like seeing your ex-boyfriend's family members-I'd turn and hide. I'd hear from my other friends that they saw her and she'd dyed her hair. I'd hear from her aunt who still works at Cracker Barrel that she'd seen her at Thanksgiving.
I'd remind myself of our fights and what I said and what she said and how wrong she was (but also would realize each time how awful I had been). I still had other best friends and they were wonderful (and still are) but I missed her. I was in my friend's wedding in the late summer of 2016 and posted "the last of my best friends is married!" and I still missed her.
I saw sometime in early 2016 that she had started a blog. I saw this because I still stalked her Instagram all the time. I would eagerly await her latest blog posts because I could pretend that I was still a part of her life. and sometime in there, she Facebook messaged me and asked "do you remember that Dylan guy you met in Alabama, Chris' friend?" I did indeed, and we briefly messaged about it.
on her blog, she referred to him as "Mystery Man" ;) and I learned that they had met through her best friend from high school who was working with him in St. Louis, and they met in her favorite city, Chicago, on New Year's Eve. how romantic! I read that they had started a long distance relationship and that not too long in, they got to be much closer when his work took him to Michigan. I also read about her awkward Uber encounters and work trips and laughed and remembered the funny girl I used to call my friend.
months went by, and through a serious of random Facebook messages about what a small world it is how she's dating Dylan, questions about people we used to know, and chatting about life in general, we decided to meet up for an IKEA and sandwiches date. I was thrilled. we met, we hugged, we talked for hours and just like that I got my friend back.
I was in the process of becoming a foster parent and she was SO supportive. even though she now lived an hour away, we planned out trips for me to come visit them and trips they would come see me. they came to meet my first foster baby when she was a week old, and they supported me when she was moved. we went out for dinner together just days before my future daughter was born, when my life felt upside down with the loss of my first baby still so fresh I was in need of a distraction.
just a few weeks later the inevitable happened- Dylan messaged me a picture of the ring. I was SO touched that he thought enough of me and my friendship with Jaclyn (and him!) that he sent that to me. weeks later during their Memorial Day trip I could stop keeping the secret and cheer them on! they met me at my favorite coffee shop for one of our hang-outs and I got asked what I thought I had forever lost out on- being Jaclyn's bridesmaid.
the last year has been filled with Pinterest browsing, wedding dress shopping trips, texts about not loving said wedding dress and reassuring that it's totally fine to buy another dress, pictures sent back and forth, discussions about itineraries, and that's just the wedding part of it! it's also been filled with coffee dates at my house which means the world to me since being a single parent means I treasure people coming to just be with us in our own house sometimes. more sandwich dates. more dinner dates. Christmas celebrations with brunch. even a trip to Florida to meet Dylan's family and introduce Bee to the ocean- a trip they made SO relaxing for us by helping with Bee in every way possible since they knew our recent solo trip was hard on me.
Jaclyn is strong (and strong-willed), independent, super intelligent, a comic, self-starting and self-made, gorgeous.
Dylan is kind, a protector, polite through and through, a hard worker, knows the right thing to say at the right time, and has a great beard.
together- they are an adventuring couple who I live vicariously through as they travel to Las Vegas, Iceland, Colorado, Niagara Falls, and soon GREECE- my freaking dream vacation!!! but in their downtime, they are the most down-to-earth people around. they have shown my Bee the best kind of aunt and uncle imaginable. they support me and spur me on to make changes in my own life. I cannot WAIT to spend our coming weekend celebrating them!
but- I'm also terribly sad. my sweet friend Jaclyn is amazing and was snagged by a great job that requires a move down South. I heard her telling Bee while we were in Florida that she'd be Skyping her lots, and it took all of me not to cry right there. I'm not an overly emotional person, but it is definitely hard to picture not seeing Jaclyn and Dylan every month and I especially wish they could be here when Bee finally gets to be adopted. looks like we'll have to go celebrate it with them by taking a trip there 🍑! we love you J & D!
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
parenting my (almost) daughter
my little girl is a toddler, suddenly, and I'm trying to adjust to it while also really loving it. I've had a jumble of thoughts going around most days that prevent me from blogging because nothing is clear or well thought out, but I want to record some of what's going on in this stage of life even so. her adoption is looming so close yet so far away still, which weighs on me daily because I know I'm her mom but I'm not yet, not legally, and I can't wait till it's official.
when I graduated college 6 years ago (gross), I started working immediately after as a preschool teacher in a Head Start classroom. it was not the right fit for me and I only lasted 2 years there, but I honestly did learn a lot during that short career. the main thing I learned that I still use almost daily is Conscious Discipline, how we handled behaviors and emotions in the classroom. the basic concept is "what you focus on is what you get more of". if you point out all the things little ones shouldn't be doing- running in the classroom, hitting each other, yelling, you tend to get more of that because that's what you're reminding them of and spending your time and energy focusing on. when you focus on their strengths- when they shared a toy, when they helped a friend get something, when they walked around the classroom, they were continually hearing the positive and what they can continue to do to be helpful. (I also use this with my friends/ family/ coworkers ;) )
so on Sunday, when I had Bee and 2 other little ones under the age of 2, I did a lot more firm voice/ sternness/ correction than I wanted to and what do you know- I got lots of not listening, crying, and overall "bad behaviors". I realized this midway through the day, stopped, and just gave each girl a long hug and took some deep breaths with them. the rest of the day wasn't perfect, but it was a whole lot better.
this stage of toddlerhood is teaching me sooo much about managing expectations- daily teaching them new skills to help them become an independent person, but also having to realize what they're capable of grasping and not quite ready to do. every morning I struggle with Bee trying to touch my hot straightener, unrolling the toilet paper while I'm washing my face, climbing my vanity while I try to put on make-up, and running from me when it's time to get her clothes on. I posted recently on Instagram that we leave our house looking like someone broke in (and there was a struggle) because I have to just rush us out the door every morning feeling frazzled. I have to force myself to look at the problem, identify what I want more of, and find a solution.
for the straightener, it's to hang a shelf in my room higher than she can reach where it can rest while I'm using it (although she is a smarty and knows how to unplug and plug things into outlets, so HELP). for the toilet paper, it's firmly letting her know toilet paper is for the potty only and moving her to something she can play with or a book to read. for climbing the vanity, it's holding her on my lap and handing her make-up brushes she can use, and for running, it's playing chase and tickle to make a game of it so she wants to come back to me and then I can quickly alligator wrestle her into clothes.
do I remember my solutions every single morning, take calming breaths, never raise my voice, and fart glitter rainbows? no, no, nope and duh. but I try, my hardest, and then try again the next day. this parenting thing is a marathon and every day is a practice run- I'm loving watching my girl and her sprints.
when I graduated college 6 years ago (gross), I started working immediately after as a preschool teacher in a Head Start classroom. it was not the right fit for me and I only lasted 2 years there, but I honestly did learn a lot during that short career. the main thing I learned that I still use almost daily is Conscious Discipline, how we handled behaviors and emotions in the classroom. the basic concept is "what you focus on is what you get more of". if you point out all the things little ones shouldn't be doing- running in the classroom, hitting each other, yelling, you tend to get more of that because that's what you're reminding them of and spending your time and energy focusing on. when you focus on their strengths- when they shared a toy, when they helped a friend get something, when they walked around the classroom, they were continually hearing the positive and what they can continue to do to be helpful. (I also use this with my friends/ family/ coworkers ;) )
so on Sunday, when I had Bee and 2 other little ones under the age of 2, I did a lot more firm voice/ sternness/ correction than I wanted to and what do you know- I got lots of not listening, crying, and overall "bad behaviors". I realized this midway through the day, stopped, and just gave each girl a long hug and took some deep breaths with them. the rest of the day wasn't perfect, but it was a whole lot better.
this stage of toddlerhood is teaching me sooo much about managing expectations- daily teaching them new skills to help them become an independent person, but also having to realize what they're capable of grasping and not quite ready to do. every morning I struggle with Bee trying to touch my hot straightener, unrolling the toilet paper while I'm washing my face, climbing my vanity while I try to put on make-up, and running from me when it's time to get her clothes on. I posted recently on Instagram that we leave our house looking like someone broke in (and there was a struggle) because I have to just rush us out the door every morning feeling frazzled. I have to force myself to look at the problem, identify what I want more of, and find a solution.
for the straightener, it's to hang a shelf in my room higher than she can reach where it can rest while I'm using it (although she is a smarty and knows how to unplug and plug things into outlets, so HELP). for the toilet paper, it's firmly letting her know toilet paper is for the potty only and moving her to something she can play with or a book to read. for climbing the vanity, it's holding her on my lap and handing her make-up brushes she can use, and for running, it's playing chase and tickle to make a game of it so she wants to come back to me and then I can quickly alligator wrestle her into clothes.
do I remember my solutions every single morning, take calming breaths, never raise my voice, and fart glitter rainbows? no, no, nope and duh. but I try, my hardest, and then try again the next day. this parenting thing is a marathon and every day is a practice run- I'm loving watching my girl and her sprints.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
9 visits
May has come and gone, and with it one of the busiest months of my fostering career. it’s totally fitting that May was National Foster Care Awareness month- I was made aware of being a foster parent all month long!
this was my list of visits for my Bee this month. not the most typical of months, but not too different than our normal. at most visits, I inevitably have to answer the question of ‘are you mom?’ and every time (for medical appointments anyways) I have to respond I’m foster mom. for now, still. waiting in limbo every day. waiting for a court to decide if I should get the chance to legally, officially, forever be her mom (as I have been since she was 4 days old).
back to the 9 visits. my little girl has had a sordid eating history- she never took to baby foods, so I tried Baby Led Weaning, at which time she gagged and threw up pretty much every food I gave her. her weight has always been on the low end, although she’s always been staying within the limits of ‘her’ growth chart. even though I work for Early Intervention, I’d done everything I knew to do and still struggled with her eating anything.
finally (after multiple pediatrician visits where they waved off all my concerns), we saw an ENT and got allergy testing done (which showed a cat allergy, leading to having to say goodbye to my cat Chloe). then we got referred to a gastroenterologist/nutritionist (she still takes bottles for most of her calorie intake daily), a speech therapy evaluation for feeding, a new WIC office and the best appt. yet- an allergist. she’s a friend of a friend who has seen Bee since she was a baby at the daycare our kids both go to, and was the only person to say ‘babies shouldn’t have nasal allergies- come see me, I think it’s a chronic sinus infection’. one sinus X-ray later and we finally have a plan of action- which involves 1 nasal wash a day, 2 nasal sprays a day, 7 doses of medication for the next month (one being a steroid whose side effects of increased hunger and decreased sleep kicked in full gear at 3:30AM last night). the end hope is this treatment will clear up her poor clogged sinuses which have likely been this way since she was a little baby, and once she can breathe/smell/taste she’ll have more interest in real foods and will get off her expensive formula!
sorry for the ramble about my girl- it’s just been a month. it’s exhausting but always worth it- but I hope to remember this in the future someday when my girl is eating everything in sight, and also wanted to share because even if this isn’t your little one’s exact same struggle, know that you’re not alone if your child has any kind of challenge! I try not to sugarcoat our life and want people to know there’s always help out there for any problem you come across, and thank God I don’t have to go through this totally alone.
Yes 
this was my list of visits for my Bee this month. not the most typical of months, but not too different than our normal. at most visits, I inevitably have to answer the question of ‘are you mom?’ and every time (for medical appointments anyways) I have to respond I’m foster mom. for now, still. waiting in limbo every day. waiting for a court to decide if I should get the chance to legally, officially, forever be her mom (as I have been since she was 4 days old).
back to the 9 visits. my little girl has had a sordid eating history- she never took to baby foods, so I tried Baby Led Weaning, at which time she gagged and threw up pretty much every food I gave her. her weight has always been on the low end, although she’s always been staying within the limits of ‘her’ growth chart. even though I work for Early Intervention, I’d done everything I knew to do and still struggled with her eating anything.
finally (after multiple pediatrician visits where they waved off all my concerns), we saw an ENT and got allergy testing done (which showed a cat allergy, leading to having to say goodbye to my cat Chloe). then we got referred to a gastroenterologist/nutritionist (she still takes bottles for most of her calorie intake daily), a speech therapy evaluation for feeding, a new WIC office and the best appt. yet- an allergist. she’s a friend of a friend who has seen Bee since she was a baby at the daycare our kids both go to, and was the only person to say ‘babies shouldn’t have nasal allergies- come see me, I think it’s a chronic sinus infection’. one sinus X-ray later and we finally have a plan of action- which involves 1 nasal wash a day, 2 nasal sprays a day, 7 doses of medication for the next month (one being a steroid whose side effects of increased hunger and decreased sleep kicked in full gear at 3:30AM last night). the end hope is this treatment will clear up her poor clogged sinuses which have likely been this way since she was a little baby, and once she can breathe/smell/taste she’ll have more interest in real foods and will get off her expensive formula!
sorry for the ramble about my girl- it’s just been a month. it’s exhausting but always worth it- but I hope to remember this in the future someday when my girl is eating everything in sight, and also wanted to share because even if this isn’t your little one’s exact same struggle, know that you’re not alone if your child has any kind of challenge! I try not to sugarcoat our life and want people to know there’s always help out there for any problem you come across, and thank God I don’t have to go through this totally alone.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
running (through my mind)
fair warning this is all about running- so get out all of your "I only run if chased, I only run for wine, I only run to donuts" etc. ;)
run spelled backwards is "nur"- that's a nur for me. okay NOW we got em all out? ;)
sooo I did it- my first resolution checked off- I ran my first half marathon Sunday! yes, I wrote first, because I definitely plan to do it again someday.
I shared this in the accountability group I'm part of on Facebook (thanks to Brooke!) but I typically give up on things when they get hard for me- I had never run more than 5 miles in my life when I decided to run the Glass City Half Marathon. and that was years ago. running is 90% mental for me- my body is physically capable of it, but I often spend most of my run arguing with myself- "I can't do this anymore, I'm quitting- you're fine! you're moving! you're not in pain, keep going!" so for me this was a mental challenge almost as much as a physical one. I actually really loved the struggle and accomplishment every long run brought about, and the chance to listen to podcasts and not have so many thoughts constantly weighing on my mind for a couple hours every week.
the day before the half I was a ball of nerves. I spent tons of time Googling how to dress for the weather, what to eat, what to do to prepare (I had even already clipped my toenails before reading that article, win!), how to not be so nervous- truly that was the worst part of the whole experience, the nerves. when race morning came, freezing cold, I was so ready to just run it all off! it was exciting to be around so many people who shared the same nerves and drive- it was not so exciting to walk the first few minutes of the race until we finally reached the start line but that's what 6,000 people in a small space will do.
I felt great (until mile 7 at least- then I had to walk a bit too) and was so glad I spent weeks training, especially when lots of people started walking before mile 1- which was a huge surprise to me! I loved watching all of the volunteers and spectators with their signs, it truly made the time go by more quickly- and yes, as my favorite sign said, if Brittany survived 2007 I could definitely survive 13.1 miles ;) I tried to save some energy till mile 12 which surprisingly happened and I sprinted the final mile, sped past several people right at the end, and crossed the finish line...to no one.
DON'T get me wrong- I have wonderful, supportive family and friends- thanks Mom and Dad (and Martha) for watching Bee while I trained for several weeks, for watching her while I woke up at 4:30AM for the race, and the cheers from them along with Jaclyn & Dylan via the RaceJoy app were what got me through the last few miles for sure- but the joy I felt finishing was definitely diminished by being alone. I guess it makes sense to end that way since I trained solo and am a very independent person, but it was still an odd feeling.
onward and upward! the half may be over, but my sights are now on a personal record finish time for a 5K- the Kip Boulis on Memorial Day! I am not thrilled with an average mile pace of 12:23ish for the half, so I'm now focusing on speedwork and a sub-30 5K is the goal. I get that not everyone is a runner or has any desire to be, but I'm loving this stage of life and the ability to do this while I can!
run spelled backwards is "nur"- that's a nur for me. okay NOW we got em all out? ;)
sooo I did it- my first resolution checked off- I ran my first half marathon Sunday! yes, I wrote first, because I definitely plan to do it again someday.
I shared this in the accountability group I'm part of on Facebook (thanks to Brooke!) but I typically give up on things when they get hard for me- I had never run more than 5 miles in my life when I decided to run the Glass City Half Marathon. and that was years ago. running is 90% mental for me- my body is physically capable of it, but I often spend most of my run arguing with myself- "I can't do this anymore, I'm quitting- you're fine! you're moving! you're not in pain, keep going!" so for me this was a mental challenge almost as much as a physical one. I actually really loved the struggle and accomplishment every long run brought about, and the chance to listen to podcasts and not have so many thoughts constantly weighing on my mind for a couple hours every week.
the day before the half I was a ball of nerves. I spent tons of time Googling how to dress for the weather, what to eat, what to do to prepare (I had even already clipped my toenails before reading that article, win!), how to not be so nervous- truly that was the worst part of the whole experience, the nerves. when race morning came, freezing cold, I was so ready to just run it all off! it was exciting to be around so many people who shared the same nerves and drive- it was not so exciting to walk the first few minutes of the race until we finally reached the start line but that's what 6,000 people in a small space will do.
I felt great (until mile 7 at least- then I had to walk a bit too) and was so glad I spent weeks training, especially when lots of people started walking before mile 1- which was a huge surprise to me! I loved watching all of the volunteers and spectators with their signs, it truly made the time go by more quickly- and yes, as my favorite sign said, if Brittany survived 2007 I could definitely survive 13.1 miles ;) I tried to save some energy till mile 12 which surprisingly happened and I sprinted the final mile, sped past several people right at the end, and crossed the finish line...to no one.
DON'T get me wrong- I have wonderful, supportive family and friends- thanks Mom and Dad (and Martha) for watching Bee while I trained for several weeks, for watching her while I woke up at 4:30AM for the race, and the cheers from them along with Jaclyn & Dylan via the RaceJoy app were what got me through the last few miles for sure- but the joy I felt finishing was definitely diminished by being alone. I guess it makes sense to end that way since I trained solo and am a very independent person, but it was still an odd feeling.
onward and upward! the half may be over, but my sights are now on a personal record finish time for a 5K- the Kip Boulis on Memorial Day! I am not thrilled with an average mile pace of 12:23ish for the half, so I'm now focusing on speedwork and a sub-30 5K is the goal. I get that not everyone is a runner or has any desire to be, but I'm loving this stage of life and the ability to do this while I can!
Monday, January 1, 2018
resolve
1. read the Bible in a year
since I've definitely never finished reading all of the Bible, I want this to be a priority and look forward to diving in. it frustrates me sometimes that I can be "good" at other things in life and accomplish them, but I lack discipline in this important area!
2. run a half marathon
I actually love running when I dedicate the time to it. 2 years ago, I was running 4-5 miles straight which took forever for me to accomplish. I'm setting a plan to train for a half marathon to have real motivation to continue working out regularly for a specific purpose!
3. spend time daily laughing with Bee
it's measurable for me :) this little girl is so happy, and the time we had together over Christmas and New Year's that I took off work has been so sweet to be with her all day (while also teaching me I don't have the fortitude to be a full-time stay-at-home mom). I want to make sure I'm purposeful with her everyday focusing on the funny things, and engaging her playful side. I also hope this keeps me from focusing on my phone and focusing more on her- she deserves my undivided attention, and I never want to be an addict to a device.
4. cook more.
not super specific, but I'm an adequate cook who can follow recipes, I just am bored of doing the same few things over and over. since Bee really needs to start eating a wide variety of foods, I also want to make sure I'm eating healthy as an example for her and so she has a variety of good foods to learn to enjoy.
5. just. be. nice.
this will probably be the hardest one for me. I'm not, by nature, a smiley or "happy" person (although I'm a huge optimist, so how?!) I'm pretty tired of having "drama" at my work, since we're all adults and I love my career so interpersonal relationships should be the least of my worries while on the clock. maybe some of this can be changed by me just being "nicer". I also am very black and white which translates well in my mind, but I see how it doesn't come out with the kindness I intend most of the time. time to up my emotional intelligence!
this is what I have- for now! I wanted a combination of achievable, tangible goals but also subtle shifts in my lifestyle. I'm looking forward to staying with a plan and not giving up. 2017 was an amazing, life-changing year, and I look forward to 2018 being another year of learning and growth!
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