the 12 month box

last night I had my parents take Bee for a sleepover. it's been a long week at work, allergies are getting me down, I'm not sleeping well, and she's always on the go- I needed a break. my mom is much more of an emotional person than I am and when I asked if they would watch her she said I should spend my time alone essentially, having a good cry. I am not a crier at all, and responded that I really just wanted to go to the bathroom alone and get to sleep in.

I laid around on the couch for a couple hours and then found myself cleaning until 12:30AM. the main thing I wanted to take care of was putting away all of her 12 month clothes, along with putting her bottles and extra pacifiers in storage. yep- after almost 19 months, my baby had her last bottle on Wednesday. she's been on Nutramigen (a fairly expensive formula) and then on Nutramigen Toddler the past few months due to a milk sensitivity and slow weight gain, so the doctors wanted her to stay on it until 18 months for the extra calories. we were running out and I could sense it was more of a habit than a need for her anyways, so I did a slow wean and then the next morning when she woke up asking for "bottle" immediately as she always does, I said "(soy) milk instead!" and she was fine with it.

putting away those bottles was sad. I loved snuggling with her feeding her- even up until the end it was a sure way to get her to sit still and cuddle into my arms. I love meeting her needs and knowing she feels safe in our home and that she'll always have love and food here. wouldn't you know it, I did cry packing away those bottles.

what was sadder though, and even harder, was packing up the 12 month box.

Bee has been in 12 month clothes since right around her 1st birthday. it's been almost 7 months, and she's finally grown enough to fit into (most of) her 18 month clothes. packing away her smaller clothes reminded me how hard I fought with doctors, how many times I asked "why won't she eat?" only to be given no answers, how many times I have been told "she's so small!" that it's now my follow-up mantra when people ask how old she is..."19 months and YES she's tiny". her weight is finally at 20 pounds, although her height isn't quite as fast to increase and she's now in the 1st percentile for her age in this.

but beyond the size issue, packing up the 12 month box packed up memories. when she started wearing these clothes, I had finally just started having all the hope for our future I felt I never could before. some of these outfits were bought by my friends when I started fostering- outfits my first placement never got to wear that I didn't know at first if I would have Bee long enough to see her in them! outfits I don't know if I'll ever see on a baby again- because that would mean I'd either be fostering again, or having my own children, and neither of those looks like part of my imminent future.

some day, in the future, I'd love to capture this entire process. to tell you what it feels like to be someone's Mama, but to have to answer that you're the "foster mom". to spell her last name a million times at appointments and cry the first time you see it typed up with your last name. to get your hope up that this time the paperwork and the process will work quickly, only to find out it won't.

the 12 month clothes are packed up now. the bottles are put away. I have been her mama her whole life, and eventually I'll get to introduce you officially to my daughter- hopefully before the 18 month box is packed up too.