a dream deferred...the second

I was told my last post was a downer. it wasn't meant to be- but sometimes that's life. my life was a downer for awhile. but that revealed itself to be a valuable life lesson...there's definitely a different post for that.

after graduation, I was on a roller coaster- which in my life means terrifying while still slightly exciting, until I realized the awful feeling of dropping down. there was no thrill in becoming a grown-up. I missed the routine of college classes and the feeling that the biggest mistake I could make was failing an exam. in the "real world", the biggest mistake I could make was not making it on my own and feeling like I wasted my college experience on a worthless degree.

there was a brief high- I moved out of my parents house and lived with my aunt and cousins. that was a blast. I loved the freedom I had while still having a family to come home to and talk to at the end of the day. I got to know my aunt and cousin in a way I never would have gotten to. I experienced my first promotion of my life when I was moved from teaching part-time to full-time. I had amazing friends, family, and a decent paying job. I should have been happy.

but I am me and life is not perfect- so of course I wasn't happy. I was struggling. I never wanted to teach preschool, but there I was, getting headaches everyday (and occasionally bite marks...and bruises from kicks...and 6 sicknesses before the end of October).

HERE IS MY DISCLAIMER:
teaching preschool is an amazing job. it is so rewarding, it is something new everyday, you literally never stop learning, the children are so energetic and happy to be there, and it truly is an enriching program. IF it is your passion. it is not mine.

I tried not to let it show but I'm sure it did. in fact, in November of 2013 I couldn't stop it from showing. I started breaking out in hives for the first time in my life. it took 3 months to realize almost every time I was breaking out, it was from walking in the door to school. I was allergic to my work. it killed me. I desire to be good at whatever I do, and it wasn't happening.

I applied for multiple positions elsewhere and had 7 interviews in 6 months. and...nothing. I lacked a Master's. I lacked supervisory experience. I was young. I was white (yes- seemingly a real problem for a couple positions I applied for).

my roommate at the time was in grad school and kept pushing me to apply somewhere, anywhere, to further my education. so kind of on a whim, I did. I gathered up a host of people who willingly wrote beautiful letters for me for my acceptance and...

I was accepted into the Northwest Ohio Consortium for Public Health, a cooperative Master's program between the University of Toledo and Bowling Green State University. my goal was is to pursue my Master's in either Public Health Administration or Health Education. I'm thrilled I got in- but I got in too late. the assistantships I heard about in college for so long were given away by the time my application materials were processed. while I am not poor, I am certainly not rich enough for graduate school without any outside sources of funding. so the dream has been deferred...again.

am I sad I'm not starting graduate school next month?

yes.

do I feel like I'm letting down the professors who told me they believed in me and remembered me even after I've been out of their program for 2 years?

absolutely.

but something else happened. I found another job. a job I LOVE. and this is not the end of a dream, just the postponing of one. this is another drop on the rollercoaster, but now it's time for the steady straight path it goes on briefly before the next hill- and I love that part.

a dream deferred...the first part

my entire undergraduate career, I had amazing professors and wonderful courses. pretty much every one of these professors praised graduate school and the amazing thing that a Master's degree is. and every time they started going on about how important it is to have at least a 3.0 GPA to get into the best schools and get the good assistantships, I stopped listening.

I did my Bachelor's in 3 years because I had my life all planned out. I took huge course loads every semester so I could graduate, move down south, and start working in my dream career as a Child Life Specialist. but in February of my senior year everything changed.

the major I loved suddenly revealed to me that I would have to take 2 internships (2 semesters) in order to sit for the Child Life exam to be certified. I only had one semester left for my degree. Child Life internships are incredibly competitive. Toledo Children's is the only hospital who takes interns. I tried every route I knew of but I finally had to realize my dream job was out of my reach.

fast forward a couple months and everything I dreamed of was also lost along with my dream job- I was single, working an unpaid internship that wasn't what I wanted to do, and I had no plans for after graduation. as August approached and my degree was within reach I grew severely depressed. I was ashamed that I would have nothing to show for my time and money spent on college. my parents helped me pay for my schooling so thank God I was debt free, but that was all I had going for me.

a week after graduation I received 3 calls for interviews- 2 for preschool teaching positions, 1 for a restaurant manager position at PF Chang's. even as I felt myself pulled more towards the manager position, I knew I would be embarrassed if I didn't use my degree. so teaching it was. and what a perfect example of deferring my dreams the next two years would turn out to be.

these things take time

I ran out of cat litter. not an unusual occurrence or major problem. however, my new job (I feel funny calling it a job. it's actually my career) anyways it has me on the road a lot. like over 500 miles a month a lot. so I wasn't thrilled to have to make the trip to Perrysburg to buy cat litter tonight when my day had already been Rossford to Bowling Green to Rossford to Bowling Green to Perrysburg to Rossford.

but then- it happened.

it's so beautiful outside tonight. the breeze is light but it's still warm enough to be comfortable. the sky is gorgeous. I decided my drive would take me past the country club where I worked for 2 summers. I steered my car through the familiar curves I drove countless times to get to my 5:30 & 6AM summer shifts on the golf course. I remembered how simple but frustrating life was then, even though it was only a few years ago.

'it' is my happiness with my life. my feeling of peace and literally feeling like my heart can't contain more good feelings inside it. I realize all too often all I see and talk about are the negative things but that's only a side effect of sinful life. that soul consuming happiness is the entirety of my life; if I keep letting it in. I wish I could bottle up this beautiful wind outside and smell of the summer night and keep it. I'd open it on a night someday in the future when I'm exhausted from answering a million 'why?' questions from my 3 year-old, or the morning I'm feeling ticked that someone else is always making me late.

I want to remember this time in my life forever. I can't imagine a time when 23 will seem sooooo young and far away, but when it comes I hope I remember how ridiculously beautiful and wonderful my life was then.

I'm healthy
I provide for myself
I have the best friends who love me for my good and in spite of my bad
I have family who is always there for me
I have a career I love and feel good at
and I'm happy.