why we're not just friends when it's easy

Fridays are the best/worst days. it's the end of the work week which is great for relaxing but I don't do well with too much time on my hands so I end up stalking people online. which leads me to a lot of reflecting tonight.

I still feel the loss of two people I loved. like a breakup but almost worse to me because unlike dating where you end things because you're not mutually compatible and (at least in my case) you can't stand each other anymore, when a friendship ends it doesn't mean I stop caring about that person.

I don't.

I didn't.

I wonder about their life. what they do for fun. who they share secrets with. if they're really happy. these things are useless to wonder but I do it all the same.

it makes me cherish the people who have stayed in my life even more.

can I just confess the dirty secret about my best friendship? okay I will.

there was a point in time about 3 years ago. I was dating a jerk who was awful to me but yet I still was about to move to be with him. one fateful night in August 2011 my first best friend, my sweet Courtney, came up to me crying at Vacation Bible School. she told me she missed me. see, for over a year at that point, I had been the friend who 'broke up' with my best friends. I turned my back on what everyone was saying and what everyone else saw and I left. I chose my boyfriend over my best friends, one of 3 years and one I'd known since birth. I had a guy who loved me and I couldn't care less about the rest. but Courtney swallowed her pride and anger at me and hugged me while I tried not to cry and told her I missed her too (and also asked why her new boyfriend was wearing a shirt with birds on it. I mean, really? PS love you Ty.) 

fast forward 4 months. I hadn't had much contact with my old best friends still but I was missing them more. my then boyfriend kept reminding me how much I didn't like them and how mean they were to me. still, I wanted that friendship back. so I went along to a birthday dinner and found out how much I'd been missing out. slowly but steadily I started spending more time with Courtney and Arielle again (although I have since found out Arielle wanted no part in this. those who know how warm and fuzzy Arielle's disposition is will have a hard time believing this I know). 

then came the pivotal moment- the moment where I actually thought to myself- 'I'm moving in a couple months. is it really worth it to become friends with these girls again when I'll just be leaving soon?' dear Jesus, thank you for overcoming my stupidity. I say it all the time but I seriously can't imagine what life would look like if I had turned my back on those girls then.

those girls met me for a walk 3 days after my 3 year relationship ended. they listened while I cried. even though they hated the guts of this guy they listened. and kept listening. they still listen to this day when I lament over the loss of those years of my life ;)

so I guess what I'm thinking of as I write these two very different thought processes out, of friendships lost and my best friendship regained, is what will happen in the future. I miss my lost girls. there's a part of me that's angry at them, but I mostly am just sad not knowing them anymore.

there's a reason I cherish my best friends. it's because I walked away and they let me come back.

all my burners are on

I think I was in college when I first read this theory about life. basically, the idea is that life is like a four burner stove- you have your family, friends, health & work. ideally, in order to be successful in life you have to turn off one burner, & to be really happy you need to turn off two.

my first thought was complete agreement. I just had a home visit this week with a family & the mom was discussing with me her previous life as a single female employed full-time. she said "I worked 8 to 5, then went for a walk or run, & by the time I made myself dinner it would be 7 o'clock at night & I'd be ready for bed!" finally- somebody who gets me! I often envy my friends with husbands & kids, but my OWN single life is so busy & full it's hard to picture there being room for anything else.

so in college, I thought about what burner I'd turn off. I worked full-time in school, so that wasn't an option. I was in love & had good friends to relationships had to stay on. I had an on-campus rec center that I frequented & even though I didn't realize it back then, I was in the best shape of my life (until my 30's- I hope I get skinny when I'm 30...) I think what I finally cut was my family. college is such a different & difficult period of life that I excused myself from feeling family obligations & spent as little time at home as possible.

I honestly don't have very good or clear memories of my college years. it's a blur to think about now. I probably hurt myself more than I realized I would by distancing myself from my family, but thankfully some bonds are stronger than my immature 20 year-old self knew.

which brings me to present day (with a couple year lag in there...but these last two years also went by in a blur for me). I keep thinking about this stove analogy & how I'm ever going to turn off a burner. it's a daily struggle- I want to get to work early to put in a hard day's work, but I also want to go for a run after work, & I want to see my friends & spend time with my family. there. is. not. enough.

there will never be enough running on my own steam. or, gas. I have a gas stove.

what if, instead, I turned my burners down a little & relied on a power source outside my own control to carry me through? I wouldn't have to sacrifice my job I love, the satisfied way I feel after a hard run, the joy my friendships bring me when spending hours just talking to beautiful people who somehow love me, or the huge blessing of 6 people I was born into that accept me & grow me into someone I never thought I could be. let's not even DISCUSS the oven I have with a fellowship committee, Bible studies, worship team & Netflix all baking in it.

I like that better. all my burners are going to stay on. I'm going to live this life I love & by the grace of God, I get to do it all.

& I get to do it with this sweet kitty :)

*my literal stove only has 2 burners that work. anyone know how to fix gas stoves?

days on which you were born

I. LOVE. birthdays.

I have always felt that your birthday was a wonderful day- special just for you, when everyone celebrates that you are alive. I did not live in a "typical" family, where every birthday is cause for a huge party that people are expected to bring presents to starting with your 1st birthday (because everyone remembers their 1st birthday party, right?). I am super grateful that was not my upbringing because I think I treasure birthdays now more for the occasion that they are than the material side of them.

my first memorable birthday was when I turned 10, my Golden Birthday (for those of you who don't know- which in my experience is most people- your Golden Birthday is the day you turn the age you birth date falls on). for me, that was 10 on 10/10/2000. it was a rough year as my 3rd brother had been born, & new babies always brought a lot of change & a lot of attitude from me. I remember just wanting to spend my birthday with my Nanny because "she loved me more" than my parents. so I got my wish and spent most of my birthday with her, & then she brought me home to my house where I walked in on a huge surprise party thrown by my mom. everyone from our church was there, my family, & everything was golden to match the theme. I am blessed my parents put up with me.

I don't understand people who don't like their birthday- I always want people to feel loved & cherished on that day, for bringing happiness and friendship into my life (selfishly) but also because everyone deserves one day just for them. I have such fond memories of birthdays because I always do something to make it more than just another day.

when I was...
12...I went to breakfast with my dad & then he took me to a tattoo parlor to try & get my ears pierced
13...my mom threw me a sleepover party 
14...I threw myself a sleepover party & my mother announced I was too bossy for birthday presents ;)
15...my dad bought me a beautiful heart necklace- my first diamond
16...I got kidnapped by my Girl's Bible Study group who knew I needed a night out
17...I was an awful hormonal teenager so not much happened
18...I got my driver's license, then drove to get my nose pierced for the 1st but not last time ;)
19...I experienced "clubbing" in Bowling Green for the 2nd & worst time
20...I was in Mississippi with my boyfriend & I baked my own birthday cake
21...my 1st alcohol purchase was in Alabama where I spent my birthday weekend with said boyfriend
22...I spent my birthday week decorating for my best friend's wedding- & loved every minute
23...my ideal celebration came true- seafood followed by a sleepover party (see the cycle here?)

I hope all of you treasure your faith, your families, your friends, your jobs, your home, your church, your pets- & I especially hope you treasure your life & take some joy in your birthdays. if not for yourself, then for the lady who pushed you out of her.

some highlights of my 24th birthday week...

 beautiful moonlit sky on my drive home

 heck yes! gas has been super cheap around my birthday the past few years

both of my coworkers bought me cinnamon rolls, & one bought OJ as well after I told them about my siblings having a sleepover at my house the weekend before. they were helping me carry in groceries and their bags & blankets & then they shut my trunk, with me yelling "did you bring everything inside?" they assured me they had. I realized the next morning when I went to make breakfast they had let the bag of canned cinnamon rolls and OJ in the trunk.

what good listeners my coworkers are!

delicious apple cider bubblies with champagne for a birthday toast (& Arielle's face)

Cowardly Lion, wordsmith, & the wind beneath my wings

my mom turned 53 yesterday. it feels like just yesterday I threw the sneakiest of surprise 50th birthday parties for her, including fake church bulletins advertising an Adult Game Night ;)

there is no person in the world that has had a bigger impact on me than Becky Taylor Haas. my very first memories are with her, my favorite conversations have occurred with her, and she still loves me despite me being the worst child she has raised so far.

my mom...

•      can remember your face and how many kids you have after not seeing you for years
•      went from being a Mary Kay lady to imparting the wisdom of not focusing on outer looks to her children
•      met my dad when her dad trapped my poor, unsuspecting father in their garage while he fixed the door- and my Papaw told him he had a daughter he needed off of his hands
•      loves that same dad more today than any day before they had 5 weird and wonderful kids and 29 years together
•      put up with being my "second choice" for most of my childhood- knowing I needed that time to be my daddy's girl
•      probably put up with this because she too was her daddy's girl- a dad she's had to live without for 21 years 
•      knows the words to every song from the 60's on- and can sing them for you in perfect pitch or blended harmony without musical accompaniment at any time
•      says "oh, love allllll" when people in movies kiss and "that's not talking nice" when there is cursing
•      told me the meaning of real love when I first had my heart broken at the ripe age of 14
•      and then sat up with me at 2AM when I had my heart broken again at 21 and spent the night taking down everything that reminded me of him
•      answers my phone calls for topics such as: how do I know when chicken is cooked? how much should it cost for me to buy new tires? what kind of oil do I need for ____? how often should I take this medicine? did you hear whose pregnant? can you bring me Gatorade?
•      has hurt me more than anyone else in my life has- by telling me the truth about myself and where I need to work on myself as only a mom can see
•      has the ability to make you feel important and wanted by merely allowing herself to just BE- without a schedule, without anything else that needs done, just enjoying your company

love you Mom, even if my words come out better to you written than they do elsewhere.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as you're with me, your baby I'll be.

but when you and Dad get senile you are DEFINITELY going into a nursing home and not my house.

happy birthday Dad

dear Dad,

I am not a perfect person. I have quite a lot of faults:

I get angry super fast
I'm OCD about dumb stuff- like how doors close and the sound on the TV being an odd number
I'm not patient with people I don't like
I control conversations a lot (thanks Mom!)
and I can be pretty self centered.

the one major aspect I got from you is the ability to work very hard. you don't seem to know any other way of living other than keeping busy and doing what needs to be done. these are some other things about you that I love.

I loved getting to go to work with you. how many 5 year-olds get to go to work with their dads? especially their dads who own their own businesses? I learned at a young age the huge difference between a nut and a bolt as I sorted countless ones for you while you worked up high changing broken springs. I learned screwdriver varieties and the importance of WD-40 for everything.


I love how you are the quiet calm in our family. I never realized until TV shows and movies taught me differently, that dads are supposed to be annoying buffoons who watch sports all night and drink beer. after working a long 8-5 day, you came home home, washed dishes, sometimes cooked dinner, and watched whatever the family wanted to watch when you finally sat down.

I love how you are both smart and wise. sometimes I'm afraid to be alone with just you because I talk constantly, and there is always silence with you. but that means I trust whatever you say to be worthwhile and usually true, even when I don't want to hear it. I remember my cousin Allison asking me to be the flower girl in her wedding and I just cried all day long because I wanted you to come home and tell me if I should be in the wedding. I can still remember having to lean up on my tip toes at my window to see if it was your truck pulling into the driveway.

mostly, I love you for the example you are of a man to me. you were the first boy I ever loved, even before I fell in love with my cousin. I have never worried a day in my life that you would stop loving Mom, even when you guys yelled at each other passive aggressively about being late. Mom has so many weird quirks but you always love her for and in spite of them- giving me hope that someday someone will do the same for me. you let me be a daddy's girl and work you a little to get what I wanted, but you were also the disciplinarian when needed. all of these qualities as well as so much more make me want to find someone as great as you (although maybe someone who doesn't like to wear short shorts quite as much as you do).

happy birthday Nicky Joe Haas. your #1 daughter loves you.

a dream deferred...the second

I was told my last post was a downer. it wasn't meant to be- but sometimes that's life. my life was a downer for awhile. but that revealed itself to be a valuable life lesson...there's definitely a different post for that.

after graduation, I was on a roller coaster- which in my life means terrifying while still slightly exciting, until I realized the awful feeling of dropping down. there was no thrill in becoming a grown-up. I missed the routine of college classes and the feeling that the biggest mistake I could make was failing an exam. in the "real world", the biggest mistake I could make was not making it on my own and feeling like I wasted my college experience on a worthless degree.

there was a brief high- I moved out of my parents house and lived with my aunt and cousins. that was a blast. I loved the freedom I had while still having a family to come home to and talk to at the end of the day. I got to know my aunt and cousin in a way I never would have gotten to. I experienced my first promotion of my life when I was moved from teaching part-time to full-time. I had amazing friends, family, and a decent paying job. I should have been happy.

but I am me and life is not perfect- so of course I wasn't happy. I was struggling. I never wanted to teach preschool, but there I was, getting headaches everyday (and occasionally bite marks...and bruises from kicks...and 6 sicknesses before the end of October).

HERE IS MY DISCLAIMER:
teaching preschool is an amazing job. it is so rewarding, it is something new everyday, you literally never stop learning, the children are so energetic and happy to be there, and it truly is an enriching program. IF it is your passion. it is not mine.

I tried not to let it show but I'm sure it did. in fact, in November of 2013 I couldn't stop it from showing. I started breaking out in hives for the first time in my life. it took 3 months to realize almost every time I was breaking out, it was from walking in the door to school. I was allergic to my work. it killed me. I desire to be good at whatever I do, and it wasn't happening.

I applied for multiple positions elsewhere and had 7 interviews in 6 months. and...nothing. I lacked a Master's. I lacked supervisory experience. I was young. I was white (yes- seemingly a real problem for a couple positions I applied for).

my roommate at the time was in grad school and kept pushing me to apply somewhere, anywhere, to further my education. so kind of on a whim, I did. I gathered up a host of people who willingly wrote beautiful letters for me for my acceptance and...

I was accepted into the Northwest Ohio Consortium for Public Health, a cooperative Master's program between the University of Toledo and Bowling Green State University. my goal was is to pursue my Master's in either Public Health Administration or Health Education. I'm thrilled I got in- but I got in too late. the assistantships I heard about in college for so long were given away by the time my application materials were processed. while I am not poor, I am certainly not rich enough for graduate school without any outside sources of funding. so the dream has been deferred...again.

am I sad I'm not starting graduate school next month?

yes.

do I feel like I'm letting down the professors who told me they believed in me and remembered me even after I've been out of their program for 2 years?

absolutely.

but something else happened. I found another job. a job I LOVE. and this is not the end of a dream, just the postponing of one. this is another drop on the rollercoaster, but now it's time for the steady straight path it goes on briefly before the next hill- and I love that part.

a dream deferred...the first part

my entire undergraduate career, I had amazing professors and wonderful courses. pretty much every one of these professors praised graduate school and the amazing thing that a Master's degree is. and every time they started going on about how important it is to have at least a 3.0 GPA to get into the best schools and get the good assistantships, I stopped listening.

I did my Bachelor's in 3 years because I had my life all planned out. I took huge course loads every semester so I could graduate, move down south, and start working in my dream career as a Child Life Specialist. but in February of my senior year everything changed.

the major I loved suddenly revealed to me that I would have to take 2 internships (2 semesters) in order to sit for the Child Life exam to be certified. I only had one semester left for my degree. Child Life internships are incredibly competitive. Toledo Children's is the only hospital who takes interns. I tried every route I knew of but I finally had to realize my dream job was out of my reach.

fast forward a couple months and everything I dreamed of was also lost along with my dream job- I was single, working an unpaid internship that wasn't what I wanted to do, and I had no plans for after graduation. as August approached and my degree was within reach I grew severely depressed. I was ashamed that I would have nothing to show for my time and money spent on college. my parents helped me pay for my schooling so thank God I was debt free, but that was all I had going for me.

a week after graduation I received 3 calls for interviews- 2 for preschool teaching positions, 1 for a restaurant manager position at PF Chang's. even as I felt myself pulled more towards the manager position, I knew I would be embarrassed if I didn't use my degree. so teaching it was. and what a perfect example of deferring my dreams the next two years would turn out to be.

these things take time

I ran out of cat litter. not an unusual occurrence or major problem. however, my new job (I feel funny calling it a job. it's actually my career) anyways it has me on the road a lot. like over 500 miles a month a lot. so I wasn't thrilled to have to make the trip to Perrysburg to buy cat litter tonight when my day had already been Rossford to Bowling Green to Rossford to Bowling Green to Perrysburg to Rossford.

but then- it happened.

it's so beautiful outside tonight. the breeze is light but it's still warm enough to be comfortable. the sky is gorgeous. I decided my drive would take me past the country club where I worked for 2 summers. I steered my car through the familiar curves I drove countless times to get to my 5:30 & 6AM summer shifts on the golf course. I remembered how simple but frustrating life was then, even though it was only a few years ago.

'it' is my happiness with my life. my feeling of peace and literally feeling like my heart can't contain more good feelings inside it. I realize all too often all I see and talk about are the negative things but that's only a side effect of sinful life. that soul consuming happiness is the entirety of my life; if I keep letting it in. I wish I could bottle up this beautiful wind outside and smell of the summer night and keep it. I'd open it on a night someday in the future when I'm exhausted from answering a million 'why?' questions from my 3 year-old, or the morning I'm feeling ticked that someone else is always making me late.

I want to remember this time in my life forever. I can't imagine a time when 23 will seem sooooo young and far away, but when it comes I hope I remember how ridiculously beautiful and wonderful my life was then.

I'm healthy
I provide for myself
I have the best friends who love me for my good and in spite of my bad
I have family who is always there for me
I have a career I love and feel good at
and I'm happy.

living vs. thriving

I keep seeing great inspirational quotes posted on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and even in Cracker Barrel's store-

the final quote is what really gets me.

am I living, or am I thriving?

as I was cooking dinner Monday night, enjoying being able to take off my shoes after a long day with the kids & taking pride in my ability to serve a yummy meal for my roommate & me, I realized I'm very thankful for this time in my life.

someday, I will have a family of my own. I won't get to decide last minute that I want to run a certain errand that day on my way home from work- I'll have children to pick up from school & help with homework & hear about their day. I won't be able to play my music loud on my phone as I'm preparing food at my leisure, serving it whenever it's done & we feel like eating- I'll likely have children needing to be watched as I'm cooking, & we'll need to eat at a fairly consistent time to help them maintain a sense of normalcy and routines.

don't get me wrong- I CAN'T WAIT to have a family of my own! I truly believe God has placed that desire in my heart for a purpose, as it has been there my entire life as long as I remember. I didn't plan a wedding as a child, I planned my dream home, organizational materials, names for children, & dates I would one day go on with my husband.

but Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds me "there's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth...".

I will never be 23 & single again. I will only have me and Chloe to be responsible for a marginal period of my life before there are so many other things for me to take care of. & as much as I love my life, I am simply living right now.

I will never have this time back to THRIVE.



one step at a time I want to find my passion, work hard, & love what I do.

I took the first step. I applied to grad school. I actively want to better myself, & this is the first part of me going beyond just moving through everyday & finally doing something everyday that I feel changes me, & those around me. I want to thrive.

here & now

I have wanted to do this for a very long time.

I started reading people's blogs about 3 years ago. they fascinated me, mostly because their lives seemed so far away- what brand of toys are safest for children, which recipe is best, what color to paint their bathrooms. I was in the midst of a hectic college life & reading blogs was a nice distraction when I wanted to relax.

then apparently, a year & a half ago I decided to start my own blog. with one post. & I never showed anyone that post because I felt stupid- I'm always inside my own head so much that I think I shouldn't let anyone else in there too. also- I talk ALL the time, so most of my friends & family probably think I tell them every single thing I'm thinking & feeling. surprise- nope! I have so many ideas, dreams, wonders, & questions & I finally want to get them down & share them with the world I've enjoyed for 3 years- online blogs.

July 2012 Lexi with a frog also about to graduate

I am not a wife, or a mommy, or an athlete, or a chef, or a designer. I don't know HTML (anymore) nor do I have sponsors or exciting giveaways.

I am smart, capable, independent & inquisitive, with a passion for people. I can only hope to do something with that passion & that will probably be a huge part of this blog.

so as of now, January 28th, 2014- I am:

Lexi
living in a beautiful old house in Bowling Green
loving life with my cat Chloe (when she's not peeing on things) & my amazing roommate
working as a preschool teacher, something I never dreamed of doing
doing my life with The 5, the people closest to my heart
learning how to live life as a member of my family but not in my family's home
seeking a church family that will truly fit my needs & what I have to give
finding new things to cook as often as possible
& trying to be as fulfilled as possible.

thanks for reading