it's 9:45PM and I just ate dinner. leftover mac & cheese, the meal of champions. I've had "a day" and need to get it out, if only to capture a minute in time and recognize it's not forever.
this week at my job(s) I have-
42 hours of work
14 home visits (to then somehow case note on top of last week's visits...)
3 meetings
1 training
and then at home I have-
three personal appointments, a friend's birthday to (happily!) celebrate, weekly trivia night with the family, making goodbye goodies for the daycare teachers, and also making dinner for my child every night by 5:30 or she starves to death (by her screams that's what I assume will happen).
I say all this not to be "woe is me" (because my life is awesome, and I know it!).
I say all this not to compare, because I'm aware other people "have it worse"- work more, get less sleep, have more kids, etc.
I say this because I've come to realize that I equate taking a shower with hard work.
as in, I plan my shower schedule around my work-outs. for when I've gotten really sweaty and pushed myself hard and then "deserve" to have a shower afterwards because I worked for it. recently, though, I've been working out less and less (because see above), and at the end of the day I feel like I don't deserve to shower because yet again, I've done too much in the day and had too much going on to want to work out.
how messed up is this?! I'm only JUST realizing I do this, and have done this for years. mind you, I promise I still shower when I haven't worked out, I'm not that rude to subject people to an unwashed Lexi. but when I haven't gotten a run in or done a cross training video beforehand, I feel like I wasn't good enough to really have earned that shower.
tonight, I just said enough. and I showered, without Brooklyn awake and pulling back the curtain every few seconds, without having worked up a sweat beforehand, without feeling the ache in my muscles from push-ups. it was self-care. it was needed. and I need more of it.
7:15AM getting ready, breakfast for me and Bee and last minute cleaning
8:30AM case worker visit with the state of Ohio representative attending, who did a home inspection and discovered my smoke detectors don't work (which could cost me my foster license if not remedied ASAP with the fire department's approval)
10:30AM first work visit of the day
11:30AM adoption presentation at children's services, where I brought the scrapbook that took me a weekend of putting together 18 months of pictures that they asked me to bring and then never looked at
1PM case noting and replying to all the e-mails while eating lunch in a parking lot between visits
2:15PM attending a speech therapy evaluation for the second work visit of the day
3:15PM called the adoption lawyer while driving to the next visit and found out they LOST my paperwork I filed in March, to petition the courts
3:30PM running into the new pediatrician's office to sign a release so Bee's medical records can be moved
4PM third work visit of the day
5:30PM case noting visits/ e-mails/ Face Timing Bee
6:15PM working other (evening) job
8:30PM home to play with Bee, give her meds, and relieve my mom of babysitting duty
9:15PM S H O W E R .
my 15 minutes of just me. no thoughts (ish) or to-do lists. just me, trying to reframe my perspective and priorities and say it's okay to not do it all, and it's still okay to shower.
thanks for sticking with these weird thoughts tonight :)
