Hours and tears and screams laying under the computer desk in my family room to charge my phone and sobs and cursing and taking down every picture of him in my room later, it was over. I fell asleep by 3AM or so. I went to work the next day, my first shift as a server at Max & Erma’s. I spent the next few weeks numb- studying for finals, writing final papers, preparing to begin my final summer semester in my internship before graduating.
I was drained from it all. I had spent months fighting for a relationship that wasn’t good for me or to me. I look at pictures of this time and feel sadness because that relationship was all I had- my life had been based around this guy for 3 years. I had only a couple of friendships and only one close girlfriend. My family didn’t like him and didn’t hide their feelings. I was 21 and so alone. It would be years before I even started to realize the emotional trauma that had changed me forever.
The current Coronavirus pandemic is its’ own type of trauma. I’m a natural extrovert to begin with, and someone who works with families and colleagues all day long, and also a single parent. The first few days of staying at home were exhausting and sad for me. But, I am not alone. The past 8 years have been full of people, relationships, and experiences- I know beyond a doubt that everything happens for a reason, and I wouldn’t have my friendships, my home, my job, my faith, my pride and joy of a daughter- if I hadn’t had the worst day of my life 8 years ago.
I’m writing this because I woke up this morning from another dream about my ex- years later, even though I spend none of my waking hours thinking about him, my dreams often include the ghosts of my past. I woke up feeling so sad, and realized today’s date. But it’s a fleeting feeling and my life is so much more than sadness. This pandemic is real and awful and I’m so sad for people who are suffering from sickness and also just suffering in general, missing their ‘normal’. When we come out of this period of time, I have best friends waiting to be hugged (some more willingly than others), restaurants I can’t wait to go out to for breakfast dates with my girl, an office I’m happy to go back to, nephews I can’t wait to chase around and tickle and snuggle. Life is more than the sum of bad experiences- this I know and this I want my daughter to learn from me. March 29th, 2020 looks a whole lot different than I ever imagined it would 8 years ago and I’m grateful.
