it's been 2 months since I kissed Baby A one last time and handed her off to her case worker.
sometimes, 2 months feels like nothing. in this case, it feels like an eternity.
a week after I said goodbye, I told my case worker I had waited long enough and wanted to be put "back on the list" to accept placements. and then I waited for a call- for 27 days.
in that time, I re-decorated my living room, built some furniture, helped my best friends move into their new home, worked long hours, joined a gym and started working out 6 days a week, went out to dinners with friends, and slept through the night every. single. night.
Monday morning March 13th, I received an e-mail first thing in the morning from my case worker- "heads up- I put your name in for a baby who needs a home today so you may get a call". 3 hours later, I did. taking a newborn placement means calling the pediatrician to get in within a week, contacting daycare, scheduling a WIC appt., scheduling 2 case worker visits the first week, going to Meijer to make sure I have diapers and formula, and most importantly calling my parents to make sure they can help out. and only having one day off of work to get to know this baby before it's back to business as usual.
I felt like I was so prepared, so on top of things, so ready for this baby. she would never take the place of Baby A in my heart, but I was itching to be a foster mom again and wanted desperately to give a baby the love they so deserve. but the second time around, it was different.
I didn't get to walk into the hospital nursery, see that sweet burrito of a baby sleeping, and carefully get her into the carseat I brought with me to go home. instead, a case worker dropped off a baby to my house who cried immediately when she opened her eyes, and I got to hold her for an hour before heading off to work for the evening. instead of smelling her sweet head, I was thinking about the baby clothes I needed to wash, the diaper bag I needed to pack for appointments the next day, and the fact that my last full night of sleep for some time had come and gone without me knowing.
it wasn't until a couple days later that I realized why it felt so different. I was different. I was guarded, protecting my heart without meaning to, knowing now that this sweet baby isn't "mine", and could be gone from my home before she even got into daycare. I was sad, looking at this adorable newborn who was not the first baby to have a piece of my heart, seeing all the ways she was different. I wondered if parents felt this way- that even though you don't love any of your children "more" than the other, you love them differently.
but- thankfully- God heals and works in ways I didn't even know how to ask for. I'm thrilled to say that the adjustment time was not that lengthy, and 4 weeks into this placement I love Bee wholeheartedly. she is so full of personality, beauty, and smiles (when she's not mean mugging). the second time around, I felt so much more prepared for the details of this life change- I just wasn't capable of preparing myself for the emotional shift.
