when I had my first foster placement, I picked her up from the hospital. I had told my family I'd likely be getting her, but told no one while I went to the hospital, walked into the nursery, waited as they wheeled her bassinet into an empty room, got instructions on signs of withdrawal to watch for, and changed her into a snuggly sleeper I had brought with me. it was just me and Baby A for the beginning. I was in love immediately.
3 months later when Brooklyn joined me, it was different. there was a snowstorm that day and Brooklyn was born in Michigan which made the handover a little more complicated. she was brought by a worker to my home wearing a Valentine's Day sleeper (in March), and I had just over an hour to cuddle her and change her into another snuggly sleeper while snapping some pictures to send to loved ones, before heading back off to work. I was not in love instantly. I was unsure how long she would be with me. I compared everything to Baby A- how could I not? I had several people reach out to me and let me know it's okay to feel that way, it's going to take time to bond, you'll love her just as much as Baby A- they were all right. I hope to never hide the truth from Brooklyn and the truth is her first month with me was hard and trying and I was not 100% in love with her because I didn't let myself at first.
when our last placement, another Baby (Boy) A joined us, it had been almost 3 years since my last foster placement had started. I have never known overwhelmed like that short time I had with him. the emotional burden of not connecting instantly with a child, while having a child of my own already, is the most exhausting thing I think I've experienced outside of a break-up. watching my child love on a baby she'd just met while I tried to summon those feelings myself broke me. I instantly missed having time for just me and Brooklyn, my forever child. everything in our day was made more difficult- tiny things like baby gates being put back up everywhere and constantly taking things out of a baby's mouth, and bigger things like preparing meals for 2 kiddos and 0 for myself. waking throughout the night checking on a baby again wreaked havoc on my rest, and having a baby instantly spread illnesses from his daycare that kept Brooklyn up for hours at night coughing made it much worse. I felt physically ill myself every waking hour he was with us.
I had support throughout it all- amazing foster friends checking in on me and offering so much help, reminding me it's okay to not be attached right away, reminding me it would feel different now that I had my own child, telling me once I got in the groove of our "new normal" it would feel better. my family stopping by to visit (although letting me know I wasn't being as "nice" to Baby Boy A as I was to Brooklyn, was not helpful). my best friends met him and did their best to make me feel supported and cared for. but as much as they all gave support, it's still just me. I couldn't rely on anyone else to help pick up the expanded workload, I had no one else to manage multiple daycare pickups and drop-offs, and I had no one to process the huge range of emotions with. I have had several people tell me throughout my struggles as a single mom that "you chose this", and that phrase flashed it my mind almost nonstop as I tried to get used to parenting two kids. because the thing is, I did choose it. but as much as I feel like a failure for it, I can also choose to not have this be our life.
so I did. again, without going too deeply into his case details, I knew I couldn't keep going on with Baby Boy A, and I let my case worker know. she was amazing and so helpful through the process which has not always (read: ever) been my experience with case workers, and through a quick and unpredictable set of circumstances Baby Boy A went back to his previous foster home. I'm so relieved knowing he's home with the faces he's known and loved for most of his life. I'm so grateful for the wake-up call of how much I value my life with just me and Brooklyn. I quickly gained back all the weight I lost from not eating while he was here 😆 it's a huge reminder that everything in my life comes back to the timing. we went through a renovation project last month that required me to move a lot of stuff into the nursery for storage, which wouldn't have been possible with a baby in there. B and I have been able to do tons of stuff together in February/March that we wouldn't have been able to do with a babe in tow. I cannot imagine going through this quarantine, working from home, isolated pandemic time with TWO kids on my own, and thankfully- I don't have to.
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| our brief stint as a family of 3 |
