a dream deferred...the second

I was told my last post was a downer. it wasn't meant to be- but sometimes that's life. my life was a downer for awhile. but that revealed itself to be a valuable life lesson...there's definitely a different post for that.

after graduation, I was on a roller coaster- which in my life means terrifying while still slightly exciting, until I realized the awful feeling of dropping down. there was no thrill in becoming a grown-up. I missed the routine of college classes and the feeling that the biggest mistake I could make was failing an exam. in the "real world", the biggest mistake I could make was not making it on my own and feeling like I wasted my college experience on a worthless degree.

there was a brief high- I moved out of my parents house and lived with my aunt and cousins. that was a blast. I loved the freedom I had while still having a family to come home to and talk to at the end of the day. I got to know my aunt and cousin in a way I never would have gotten to. I experienced my first promotion of my life when I was moved from teaching part-time to full-time. I had amazing friends, family, and a decent paying job. I should have been happy.

but I am me and life is not perfect- so of course I wasn't happy. I was struggling. I never wanted to teach preschool, but there I was, getting headaches everyday (and occasionally bite marks...and bruises from kicks...and 6 sicknesses before the end of October).

HERE IS MY DISCLAIMER:
teaching preschool is an amazing job. it is so rewarding, it is something new everyday, you literally never stop learning, the children are so energetic and happy to be there, and it truly is an enriching program. IF it is your passion. it is not mine.

I tried not to let it show but I'm sure it did. in fact, in November of 2013 I couldn't stop it from showing. I started breaking out in hives for the first time in my life. it took 3 months to realize almost every time I was breaking out, it was from walking in the door to school. I was allergic to my work. it killed me. I desire to be good at whatever I do, and it wasn't happening.

I applied for multiple positions elsewhere and had 7 interviews in 6 months. and...nothing. I lacked a Master's. I lacked supervisory experience. I was young. I was white (yes- seemingly a real problem for a couple positions I applied for).

my roommate at the time was in grad school and kept pushing me to apply somewhere, anywhere, to further my education. so kind of on a whim, I did. I gathered up a host of people who willingly wrote beautiful letters for me for my acceptance and...

I was accepted into the Northwest Ohio Consortium for Public Health, a cooperative Master's program between the University of Toledo and Bowling Green State University. my goal was is to pursue my Master's in either Public Health Administration or Health Education. I'm thrilled I got in- but I got in too late. the assistantships I heard about in college for so long were given away by the time my application materials were processed. while I am not poor, I am certainly not rich enough for graduate school without any outside sources of funding. so the dream has been deferred...again.

am I sad I'm not starting graduate school next month?

yes.

do I feel like I'm letting down the professors who told me they believed in me and remembered me even after I've been out of their program for 2 years?

absolutely.

but something else happened. I found another job. a job I LOVE. and this is not the end of a dream, just the postponing of one. this is another drop on the rollercoaster, but now it's time for the steady straight path it goes on briefly before the next hill- and I love that part.