an ode to Wednesdays

ahh, Wednesdays. the work week is half over, weekly trivia night is tonight, and most importantly- I get to breathe tonight.

months ago my mom lovingly made the offer to take Brooklyn home with them after trivia- for them to put her to bed, then watch her all day on Thursdays. the reasoning for this would be threefold- 1. they would get a special "Brooklyn day" set aside that wasn't just babysitting so I could run errands, but was their day to be grandparents/ aunt/ uncles with her, 2. so I had one less day of daycare to pay for each week, because as a single mom my budget is tight, and 3. so I could have time to do things I needed to (ehh) and mostly get to be alone for a couple of hours!

I know they aren't required to help out this much, but I'm incredibly grateful that they do. I think the reason I love Wednesdays so much is the break I get from parenting- even if it's just going to bed right after trivia without having to spend an hour or two trying to put Brooklyn to sleep- is a break and the chance I get to breathe each week. one of the biggest parts of parenting I wasn't aware of was the constant feeling of being "on" and responsible, literally, for someone's LIFE. I am grateful daily for Brooklyn's in-home daycare provider who has known me and my family since wayyy before I was born, and I trust her so much because of the great care that she gives that I don't worry about Brooklyn while she's in her care. but when B is there, I'm still working, still "on", still responsible for many things. on Wednesday nights at 9:05 when I pull out of the Ralphie's parking lot, I am responsible for ME and no one else.

I sometimes stop for ice cream, sometimes run to Target for an errand, most of the time drive straight home and lay on the couch in silence. I immediately miss Brooklyn's energy filling up our home, but that goes away when I get to fall asleep knowing I won't have any middle of the night trips to her bed to comfort her or the morning awakening of little feet pattering into my room along with- "Mama, can you turn the light on please? move the blanket so I can eat my bar. I want to watch TV downstairs (she means upstairs)." most Wednesday nights I'm asleep before 10 and feel as if I've "wasted" my alone time. most Thursday mornings I'm scrambling to get to work on time which is ridiculous to me because I should have all the time in the world getting only myself ready!

no matter the use of my time, each week I mostly just feel relief and ready to parent again. the weeks I don't have that break, I struggle. I hope to not sound bitter or repetitive- but I do it all on my own, 6 1/2 days a week, and it's tiring. it's not any easier because I "chose" to be a single parent- I chose to foster and then adopt on my own, true, but I still hope for God to provide me a partner, so in this waiting I am sad and struggle with wondering how long and if it will be always that I do this alone.

nevertheless- Wednesdays. you are my light of the week. I know Brooklyn loves her time at Papa and Giggy's (with her primary caregiver, Martha ;) ) and I love being able to breathe.