crying in the car

I opened my home to foster placements again in November, and went almost 2 full months without a single call. I finally got a call the Monday after coming back to work from a long Christmas break, the Monday after hearing my dad potentially has some serious medical stuff going on. Without going into too much of the details or story that’s not all mine to tell, this call for placement was not a typical one. For one thing, I had a couple weeks notice before it happened. For another, it wasn’t for a newborn baby like my first two placements were. And finally, it’s very up in the air just how long he’ll be with us.

He came for a visit before he was placed with us and it was an odd feeling- he felt like someone I was babysitting. My overwhelming feeling that day was sadness that Brooklyn wouldn’t be my only baby anymore, the only one to get all my attention- but I also still felt pretty strongly that I still wanted to provide care for him, that babies deserve a home with love and attachment, and that I could do it. He’d met one of my best friends that day and most of my family had come over to meet him.

I picked him up later that next week. It was surreal to be on the other side of things- to be the foster parent picking up a baby from another foster parent who sobbed as they handed him over. He’s been a great sleeper through the night, has a cute smile that takes over his face, and eats almost everything I’ve given him. But- it feels SO different. My foster friends and friends in general have been saving my life reassuring me it takes time to get connected, it’s going to feel so different because I have my own daughter now, it’s okay if he doesn’t feel like ‘mine’ right away. I still feel like a failure nonetheless for not bonding with him immediately. For being frustrated at the changes in our life and schedule. I miss my time with just Brooklyn. But- his case will likely be short term, he deserves our love, and this is teaching me a lot- including what I want for our family’s future. So for now- I will be crying in the car, because it’s the only place where kids aren’t watching me constantly. I will be tearing up when people ask excitedly ‘how’s it going?!’ and I want to be honest but I also don’t want them to see how hard it is. I will be breathing a deep sigh of relief when I go to work and can focus on other people’s kids for a few hours instead of worrying about my own. And I will try to love more.